As you may already be partially aware thanks to YikYak, the Warner credit card was lost at semi formal over the weekend. While many Warner members remain extremely concerned as to where daddy’s *ahem* their money has gone, we here at the Yowl wanted to get the facts of the matter. We sat down with senior weeb Mary Jo von Ballet, who gave us her eyewitness account: 

“I remember that I was up at the bar ordering another round of vodka sprites for my girlies and me on the Warner tab. The bartender was about to close out the tab, and I had my hands full with drinks. That’s when I called Sarah Ann’s boyfriend over to handle closing out the tab–he’s an econ major. So yeah, he apparently had the credit card last but he says he gave it to his buddy Brad to hang on to, but Brad was so shitfaced he called his girlfriend Carol Quillen in bed that night so he doesn’t remember a thing, so, long story short, we’re actual poor people now.” 

Despite this tragic tale, Warner Hall is full of many bright minds, ready to tackle this sort of issue. Almost immediately, treasurer Nancy Greenwood figured out a way to recoup the losses.

“I asked myself, how much of this food is really being eaten, anyway? And members are always complaining about it. So we designed the Warner Hall Detox: you still pay your regular dues to help regain the funds we lost with the credit card, but now, instead of the house having to pay for food, members will just gather together at meal times to complain about how bloated they feel and discuss which Chloe Ting workout is their personal favorite.”

This business model is guaranteed to be a success: all of the cachet of being randomly assigned to the house, and none of the need to provide any real goods or services. 

This financial drought also necessitates a reworking of Warner’s philanthropy. “We’re fine with cutting out the food aspect of the house, but you will have to pry my Warner house shot glass from my cold, dead hands,” giggled von Ballet. In order to afford the alcohol budget, this year’s Red and Black Ball will no longer benefit HIV/AIDS awareness, but will now raise awareness to can someone please get this blonde chick a goddamn Truly. 

This article was made possible by the considerable efforts of a Warner weeb.