This letter was submitted as part of the Gratitude Project, but was decided that it was not fit to pass along to an actual employee at this school. 

Dear [REDACTED], 

Thank you so much for all that you do as an employee at Commons Market. It’s a hard job with long hours, and we as students appreciate you welcoming us in every day. I personally want to thank you for all of the delicious food that you provide. When I come in to Commons Market at 10:54 on a Friday, high off my ass, there is one particular treat that I can always count on to be just the thing I need: Mrs. Freshley’s mini powdered doughnuts. Wow! They are so moist and powdery and jam-packed with flavor. How do you get them like that? Also, how did you convince Mrs. Freshley to join the Commons Market team? And where does she make the doughnuts? I have been to Commons Market a lot of times trying to pay my compliments directly to the chef, but I have yet to glimpse her. Honestly, this gratitude letter is more for her than anyone else. She is single-handedly what is keeping me here. I had a really hard econ exam last semester, and just about when I thought there was no hope and I might as well give up, I walked to Commons Market and got a bag of Mrs. Freshley’s mini powdered doughnuts and a cup of coffee and that was exactly what I needed to power through to study and take the exam. When I get my diploma this spring, I am going to write on it, “Property of Mrs. Freshley” because she is honestly the person responsible for my success. (Alternate superscript is “Mrs. Freshley whipped these ′nuts.”) I truly don’t know what kind of man I would be without her. 

To be honest, I do have a little bit of a bone to pick with Mrs. Freshley. She made her treats so tasty that I literally cannot help but eat the entire bag if not more than that every time I get them. And while some other people with stronger stomachs might be able to handle that many mini doughnuts, my mom has always described my constitution as “delicate.” I can usually keep it together, but one time in the library I just ate so many mini doughnuts and got so sick and I threw up everywhere and I mean everywhere and I was in base libs and it was so loud it was just my guttural gremlin noises as this thick, gloppy white substance shot out of my body and in my mind I thought, “Wow, this would be great for papier mache” and also “owww” and it went on for so long like actual minutes where I sat hunched over in my own doughnut vomit and it got on all of the periodicals in front of me and I got “shhhed” five times. So yeah, I do have that one bad memory, but I can’t really hold it against Mrs. Freshley. 

Wow, this letter really escaped me, didn’t it! Anyway, I am really grateful for all of the different food and non-food goods you provide us with, and really pretty much everything you sell is delicious–the range alone in what you’re able to make, from gummies to cheetos (which, by the way, tell Chester I am loving what he’s doing, too) has really just blown me away. People complain about Commons food, but all I have to say to that is, have you seen what they’re selling upstairs? 

All my love to Mrs. Freshley, 

A superfan