DAVIDSON, NC ̶ Last week, The Yowl reported on Nummit’s attempts to bribe Max S. into turning his “Quesadillas For The People” business over to them in an effort to monopolize the industry. This Yowl headline attracted not only the attention of students caught in up in the latest post-Frolics quesadilla politik, but also that of the Davidson College administration. As a result, the College acted quickly to halt the Nummit deal in favor of their own plan.

Already concerned about Nummit’s radical moves towards sustainability, including their use of agave straws as well as their newfound affinity towards alternative milks, the College was destined to stop Nummit’s procurement of “Max’s Quesadillas for the People” before they imposed their radical tree-hugger policies on yet another facet of the Davidson culinary scene.

One Davidson official noted that the College was interested in much more “gradual” and “sensible” approaches to impending climate doom. This official used Commons’s brief respite from the use of their usual dishware in favor of Styrofoam plates and plastic utensils as an example of the College’s innovative approaches to grave climate-related issues such as water scarcity.

Instead of letting Nummit ruin this student-run solution to the absence of Union’s beloved quesadillas, the College intends to implement a “Quesadillas for Cops” model that will satisfy both the students’ desire for quesadillas as well as the College’s budget for next year’s clandestine police force.

When asked about this decision, the aforementioned Davidson official urged those of us who are skeptical to think of this like Reagan’s legendary Iran-Contra affair, but instead of the US selling weapons to Iran in order to fund fascist death squads in Nicaragua, Davidson will be using the proceeds from their newly acquired quesadilla operation to fund Davidson’s next Delta Force. Said Davidson official made sure to note that since the Delta COVID variant is now behind us, the College is unsure as to what to call next year’s privatized police presence on campus and has urged us all to “stay tuned.”

One student expressed excitement over this newly proposed “Quesadillas for Cops” model, saying that instead of having to rely on the singular Union option for quesadillas, students would now have the choice of getting their quesadillas from Nummit whenever they were feeling inclined to save the polar bears, or from the College’s new police-forward model whenever they wanted to support public safety on campus. Another student expressed concern that Qdoba was being left out of the College’s latest quesadilla controversies and is encouraging folks to make sure the faux-Mexican chain’s voice is being included in these conversations.

In the meantime, be sure to get out and enjoy your very own hot and ready quesadilla before the politics of cheese-stuffed tortillas at Davidson College gets heated again.