Coming to terms with the fact that not only are you a simple-minded consumer, but the things you have simply-mindedly consumed fill your room from wall to wall, floor to ceiling, and must be completely evacuated during a tumultuous week of finals, is an all too alarming reality –

which is why The Yowl recommends paying someone else to do it for you. Everyone knows who this “someone” is: their posters haunt every hallway, their emails are piled up in your inbox, and microaggressions against them can be found in colorful chalk all around campus. Still, deciding between pulling your string-bean sized hamstrings moving boxes or normalizing servant labor can be a difficult task. The Yowl sat down with Dixie Normous, a representative of this unnamed moving company, for a brief interview. 

Yowl: It’s pretty late in the school year. Should students be panicking about hiring movers? 

Dixie Normous: There’s always a good reason to panic. It seems like something is always on the brink of collapse somewhere. But considering that we’re paying the college to sell students’ emails to us, I would say we’re pretty desperate and willing to accept anyone, no matter how last minute. 

Y: Why should students hire your moving service, specifically? 

DN: I’m really out of more ways to incentivize students to hire us. There’s so much market competition, which is fine, but now that I’m thinking about it, we could go out of business. That’s why we’re asking for money from already financially-strained college students. The fact that we’re both beggarly creates an unbreakable bond between us. 

Y: I’ve heard of horror stories of students not getting their belongings for months, how can students avoid that? 

DN: Well, I’m not actually involved in the moving process, I just exploit the people who are. So where the boxes go are anyone’s guess. Though, I’ve been told if you tip, the movers skip every other step down the stairs. The speediness of getting your boxes out the door makes up for all the time lost in the abyss.