by Ross Hickman ‘22 and Lyra Seaborn ‘22

Puffy the cat. Photo by Lyra Seaborn ’22
  1. Sometimes, when you think you need attention, you’re really just hungry.
  2. With enough imagination, an infinite amount of delights can be found within the confines of one’s own home. To the true innovator, a shred of leaf dragged in on a shoe easily becomes a soccer ball in a pinch!
  3. When someone’s opening the pull-out door to the freezer, and you’re lying under it because it’s just come to this, let it get pulled out over you—you’ll get out eventually. Maybe you’ll even be able to get in the freezer at some point, to romp among the frozen organic peas and whatever else the humans keep in this metal box that feels like winter.
  4. Appreciate affection in all its forms. Starved for touch? At least during social distancing you have someone to come kiss your face spontaneously at 3:46 a.m. 
  5. We’re all stressed — both of my cats are losing the hair on their legs. When my mother took them to the vet, there were new protocols in place because of COVID-19 — she had to hand them off to someone through her car window, so they definitely thought she was just giving them away. Turns out they’re suffering from either “stress” or “allergies,” but the vet isn’t sure which. At least it isn’t parasites or bugs. And then they got prescribed “steroids,” which prompted one of them to vomit. So I spent my Saturday night holding my poor cat’s head over the hardwood as his body convulsed back and forth, sickly smelling, bubbly steroid liquid spilling out of his mouth and onto the floor. Now I can tell he’s plotting some sort of revenge. We’ll see about that, Marzipan.
  6. Variety is the spice of life — switch it up with those nap locations! Bored with your bed? Try the [top of the] armchair, the living room rug, or, if you’re really feeling adventurous, the dining room table (extra points if your family is trying to eat)!
  7. If you want to signal to your quarantine pals that you’re feeling a bit stir crazy, simply elongate your body against some window blinds, put your hands as far up the blinds as possible, and slowly pull them down along the blinds making maximum noise. Oh — and make sure to hoot repeatedly like a feline owl who’s only had frozen mice burritos for the past three weeks. And make sure to do this in the wee hours of the morning when no one at all, whatsoever, is trying to sleep. 
  8. Play-fighting is a wonderful form of exercise. My cats are so good they were supposed to go to the Olympics, but they’ll have to wait till next year to show off those skills in the light-weight dainty street-cat category. I would say you could be like them and apologetically lick each other after you have a verbal smack-down with a relative in the living room, but no, let’s maybe not do that. The CDC (and the boundaries you might need to be setting with your family by that point) wouldn’t look too kindly on that kind of reconciliation.