by Hickleberry Finn ’22
Rasamund Poke, a recent graduate of Davidson College [class year withheld for legal reasons], interviewed the vice chancellor for Career-Long Bank Account Thickness at Davidson’s Center for Career Development about their recent career inspiration from the new Netflix ideological vehicle I Care a Lot, starring Rosamund Pike (no relation). Poke asked how to set up a guardianship firm, build a conspiracy for thieving elderly people’s savings, and donate the funds to year-round ski resorts as philanthropy. How can Davidson students plan their lives around manipulating the legal system to steal from the rich?
Rasamund Poke: How much do you make each year?
Vice Chancellor Roxie: Excuse me?
Rasamund Poke: You could be making more. I’ve done research into how to make more. It is your job to tell me how to make more money.
Vice Chancellor Roxie: Oh yes, that’s why you’re here. Let’s go into the back closet of the CCD office to continue this discussion. What are you proposing?
Rasamund Poke: I saw the recent Netflix hit I Care a Lot with Rosamund Pike, and she seemed to be making a lot of money through a guardianship firm. I’d like to go to law school and learn how to set one of those up.
Vice Chancellor Roxie: What is the premise?
Rasamund Poke: You become real good at telling lies, and then you steal from old people by making them your bitch. Or, in technical legal terms, you become their guardian. Is this the kind of career that Davidson College would promote?
Vice Chancellor Roxie: Thanks so much for reaching out, Rasamund! We’re excited to collaborate on this progressive scheme with you. Please stay in touch—attached are instructions for how to transfer massive sums of money outside of the government’s watch to the College’s Venmo account. Thank you for supporting the future of our school to defend humanity from all evils!
The Yowl is the satire section of the Davidsonian, therefore any and all information in these articles should be taken as fiction and not real.