Once again, the housing lottery is in full swing, with all of us having to completely restructure our evenings in order to make sure we are ready to go at exactly 6:53pm or whatever time you were assigned. These one-minute increments can be hard to translate into “Good Time/Bad Time,” but suffice it to say, if you’re logging on after 7:15, that’s a Bad Time. If you’re out here bemoaning your luck, and listing off the many ways in which you enrich this campus community and therefore deserve a better time slot, we’ve devised an impartial and fair way to determine what your actual worth is and, based on that, what housing lottery time you Deserve.

How Good of a Person Are You? 

1) You finish your borg at Battle of the Bands during Frolics. The theme was “1944: Battle of the Borg” (see graphic). Clever title, but, frankly, we don’t give a shit about the name, we care about what you do. Do you:

a) Throw it away.

b) Pass it off to a friend. You’re too drunk to deal with it.

c) Use it as a piss jar for the rest of the night.

d) Leave it on a Commons table for someone else to clean up, presumably an employee who does not get paid enough to deal with your garbage.

2) You want your significant other to sleep over, but you live in a double. Do you:

a) Wait for a night when your roommate is out of town.

b) Sexile your roommate for a couple hours that night.

c) Seduce your roommate so you can kill two birds with one stone and also megabed every night.

d) Although it’s shocking you even have a significant other, you have them sleep over nearly every night despite the fact that your roommate is right there across the room.

3) Your professor is having trouble working the projector in a Chambers classroom. You’re not a tech wiz. Do you:

a) You’ve got T&I on speed dial. You know they’ll be there in a jiffy.

b) You know some things about computers, but you don’t think you can figure it out and decide to just sit there. 

c) While the class is held up with the tech issue, you’re just on Yik Yak, flaming some wrestlers. 

d) You start doing impressions of your old professor. He’s so old! It’s hilarious.

4) Nummit is out of bagels on a Wednesday morning (not surprising). How do you react?

a) You weren’t even at Nummit–you don’t have any dining dollars left to spare, and you’re also hoping to donate a swipe to Lula Bell’s at the end of the semester, so you’ve got to be smart about food on campus. Yay for imposed food scarcity making some of us martyrs!

b) You sigh and head back to your table to drink some iced “wood chip flavor” coffee.

c) You figure that the emotional damage done by the loss of bagel in your morning is equal to about a strawberry galette–you grab your due and leave. 

d) You’re such a dick to whatever poor queer-coded baby bi employee they have at the front of the house that day that their faerie-inspired eye makeup runs. What the fuck!?

Key: If you answered mostly As, you are about as good of a community member (or goody-two-shoes) as any Davidson brochure could hope for. You get the prime 6:01 pm spot!

If you answered mostly Bs, you’re generally alright. Like a solidly average comms or art history major that can tell a half-witty anecdote at a party. Not bad! You get 6:34 pm.

If you answered mostly Cs, you’re a wise guy. Pretty funny when you want to be, but you are also kind of a flake. People hang out with you but don’t trust you. You get 6:59 pm.

If you answered mostly Ds, you’re probably a piece of shit. 7:35 pm!