At the most recent Davidson City Council meeting, Resolution-9197985364 was passed. For those readers who do not follow the local news, this resolution charters a brand-new institution of higher learning to be built right here in Davidson. This institution of secondary (and most likely second-rate) education will operate under the name Davidson University International.

The text of Resolution-9197985364 claims that this university’s establishment intends to “broaden access to affordable higher education in the northern suburbs of Charlotte for the betterment and strengthening of our local community.” However, the community of Davidson College—students, professors, and administrators alike—all seem to be uneasy with the idea of a rival school in such proximity.

One freshman student, who gave me the fake name Billy Bob Batson even though we have met at least three other times this semester, told me, “Bro! No way! They can’t bring more f***ing students to this town. I tried to see Shang-Chi, that new Marvel movie, one night, and the f***ing movie theatre was full. I couldn’t get a ticket! If they wanna [sic] build a new school, Our Town Cinemas is gonna [sic] have to build another theatre.”

Moreover, some Davidson faculty members seem to doubt the above stated intent of Resolution-9197985364. I learned from one such professor in the sociology department that a secret fraternity of residents in the town of Davidson, known as Delta Iota Kappa, donated the funds to buy property on Lake Norman where D.U.I. is planned to be built. “ ‘Broaden access to affordable higher education’—that adult frat is made up of the wealthiest class of people in all of northern Charlotte. They have no real interest in affordability,” the sociology professor commented huffily.

But that negative opinion is not unanimous among the faculty. An Africana-Studies professor, who preferred to remain anonymous, let it slip that they were “pleased that another institution would be established nearby so that my family won’t have to be uprooted when I quit my job here at Davidson.”

When asked to comment, the Davidson College administration responded—and I quote—“What is Resolution-9197985364?”

But from where will the students for this new school be recruited? Well… you know how every once in a while a student must be ‘transported’ to the hospital? That’s actually a covert recruiting operation for D.U.I. These student are taken to mental institutions instead of hospitals where they are subjected to hypnotic therapy to indoctrinate them with D.U.I.’s unofficial slogan: Public Schools Rule, Private Schools Drool.