A coyote with the text, "adventures of coyote hazing"
Coyote Hazing!!!

First, do you like to go for walks during the day or in the evening/at night?

a. During the day (go to 1) 

b. At night (go to 2) 

1. The sun is blazing bright as you loop around Patterson Court. You’re feeling a bit thirsty, do you spring for a $30 Nummit beverage or walk back to your dorm to make yourself a tea or coffee?

a. It always tastes better when I pay for it because capitalism (go to 3)

b. I’m already in dining dollar debt, let’s go home (go to 4)

2. You’re feeling restless tonight. Do you take a walk through the town or on the cross country trails? 

a. I’m scared of the dark, let’s go for the well-lit town streets (go to 5) 

b. I need to feel something–the woods (go to 6)

3. You enter Nummit and pay for your drink. As you exit, you see Outside Andy has set up his hammock between two trees out back and is humming while strumming a guitar, barefoot. It’s his mating call, an acoustic version of Wonderwall. While largely harmless if left alone, maintain your distance as you continue on your walk. 

4. You enter your dorm room and start to boil some water. Suddenly, you feel something crawl across your foot. You look down and give a yelp–that’s right, it’s a humongous cockroach! Can you believe that you pay $7,700 a year for these digs while the cockroach gets it for free?

5. As you’re strolling along, you hear panting and munching nearby. Do you: 

a. Investigate the noise–someone might be in trouble! (go to 7) 

b. Nah, man, this is above your paygrade. Let’s go back to campus (go to 8)

6. You’re walking through cross country trails and come to a small clearing. In the middle you see a bunch of K-Sig boys, butt naked, engaged in an erotic brotherhood ritual. The whispers of “no homo” follow you as you slowly back away, having had enough of an encounter with creatures of the night. 

7. You peer under a hedge into the backyard of some probably upper-middle class white Davidson resident who has a stable job in something vaguely corporate, but still homely in feel, and has three beautiful children that are all above average. In this immaculately-maintained backyard (who does their landscaping? Physical Plant?) you see a coyote absolutely going to town on the carcass of a deer. Like seriously devouring. I mean, really making some sweet love to this corpse in the way it was gnawing on the entrails. You can tell that this coyote, while hungry, has a sensitive soul. Do you: 

a. Recognize a kindred spirit when you see one. (go to 9) 

b. Remember what the email from Davidson told you and haze the deer (go to 10)

8. As you are walking back to your dorm, you pass the huge dumpster outside Belk. Suddenly, three shapes emerge from the dumpster, hurtling through space and time: it’s a trio of raccoons ready to protect your territory. You try to run, but it’s too late–you got Buddy the Elf hugged by these bad boys, and that’s going to mean several rabies shots in the morning. 

9. As you get closer to the coyote, you make eye contact, and you realize that this is your destiny. You decide in that instant to drop out of school and travel in this coyote’s pack, becoming one with nature and healing your ancestral trauma. 

10. You pick up some sticks to hurl at the coyote while yelling expletives like, “Your mom’s a ho” and “You look like a wrestler.” The coyote backs off and you continue on your walk. You eventually make it back to your dorm, have a mediocre 2.5 more years of college then graduate cum laude, get a somewhat respectable job at your dad’s firm, and live out the rest of your days in monotonous comfort, while in the back of your mind you think to yourself some evenings as you watch the sun melt into the horizon and the endings of all things suddenly feels very present, “What if…”