Your alarm goes off and you wake up, stretch, and open up your laptop to Davidson College’s Banner Self Serve because this morning is add/drop! Unfortunately, you mixed up fall back and spring forward with fall forward and spring back, so your clock has been wrong for several days and it is actually 8 am. You’ve missed add/drop entirely, and only a few classes remain. Luckily you have a passion for: 

a. The sciences! Jump to 1. 

b. Humanities all the way. Jump to 2. 

1.You add the last remaining physics class on theoretical physics. Reading through the syllabus you finally start to grasp that everything is made up of protons, neutrons, and electrons which are governed by laws of physics and therefore the free will you’ve come to understand you suddenly aren’t so sure of. Jump to 3. 

2. You add a philosophy course titled “Philosophical Problems 101.” Aftering reading some Niesche and Marx you are feeling a determinist bug coming on, but aren’t quite sure yet how you feel about free will. Jump to 3. 

3. Confronted with the reality that all of your choices are a lot more influenced by environment and biology than you previously thought, you start to panic. After an initial moment of crisis, you decide to: 

a. Reject all uncertainty. Of course free will exists! Jump to 4. 

b. Accept that maybe you aren’t as much of a free thinker as you thought. Jump to 5. 

4. The cognitive dissonance overwhelms you… free will must exist, you feel it! Yet the words of the [physics textbook/philosophers] stick with you. In order to reaffirm your individualism, you redownload the game Episode™, the interactive video game. Quickly you become obsessed. Looking down at your phone completely consumed with the illusion of control, you run into a lamp post. Jump to 6. 

5. You go all the way in the direction of determinism and in fact embrace determinism so much that you buy a Magic 8 ball to make all your decisions for you. Completely absorbed by the anticipation of what your Magic 8 ball will instruct you to do next, you run into a lamp post. Jump to 6. 

6. You wake up groggily in a field of flowers. A Godly presence (think Whoopi Goldberg’s The Boss in It’s a Very Muppet Christmas) approaches you. Suddenly all of your doubts and fears and uncertainties are alleviated. You now know all of the answers to the questions about free will.