Finals are in ten days. 

Let me write that one more time for emphasis: FINALS ARE IN TEN DAYS. And I am just not feeling up to them. And what’s been craziest to discover after my first two semesters of college is that neither are most of my professors! They are all tired too. Nothing like my malicious teachers from high school who relished spring exam season when they could kick back and watch their students worry beyond the normal limits of high-school anxiety. No, these college professors are all eager to assign as little work as possible so that they have as little to grade as possible. 

But here’s the problem: I’m not even up for what little work they don’t cut from the syllabus’ original outline of the final project, presentation, or exam. I’m just too damn tired from all the Wildcat Wednesdays, Live-Thursday postgames, Friday night parties, Saturday darties, Sunday morning hangovers, and whatever the hell Monday and Tuesday end up being. 

So, I’ve spent all my time thinking about ways to escape finals rather than being responsible and spending that time getting ahead on finals. And Swiftian inspiration struck me this past Sunday: what if, instead of sitting down on March 7—Ranting Digression: why the hell is the Exam Center only administering exams on a Saturday, a Sunday, and a Monday? Seriously, what idiot during his first day on the job had that brilliant idea? 

But anyways, instead of sitting down some day between SATURDAY—sorry, I’m still pissed—March 7, and Monday, March 9, to take a three-hour exam, what if we sat down and ate our textbooks? 

Seems like a good trade off, right? It’s not like you need that textbook on Medieval European History anymore; you already squeaked out a passing grade in the class. There’s no reason to keep it and relive the trauma of staying up until 5 am to write a twelve-page essay from scratch. Plus, I’m sure your favorite campus dining option would be happy to prepare your meal for you. QDOBA would wrap it up in a burrito with beans, tomatoes, and sour cream. Wildcat Den would send you off with a bowl of tomato soup for dipping. And Commons would hand it right back to you as is— undercooked and bland. Oh, and if your textbook is online, teachers would have to provide accommodations for you. Your final exam would be of the same type but a different flavor: have fun eating your computer! But be careful chewing. I hear keyboards are gamey as hell. 

P.S. Oops, I nearly forgot about all you textbook renters out there. Sorry, you fail. No textbook, no grade.