The Davidsonian

Seniors Enjoy Last Semester Before Society Considers Their Drinking Habits Alcoholism

Pregames. Pre-pre-games. Pre-pre-pre-pre-games. However, as the short years of hormone-induced herding grow to an end, seniors have begun their biggest pregame yet- the pregame for adulthood. 

“College was supposed to help me figure out what I want to do with my life, but honestly, the only thing it did was teach me that the peach shooters taste like 2nd Belk’s floor- and I’ve tasted both,” says a senior.

Even while Davidson’s fall-weather-dependent tuition increase will not affect them, seniors will also soon be completely unincluded from the social world of Davidson. Soon, the repressed freshmen waddling on the edges of F will not only take the Senior’s classes, parking spots, dorms, but also their common-app-ordained right to being a functioning alcoholic. 

As the reality sinks in, some seniors have begun making plans for an easier transition into adulthood.

“Personally, I’ve started experimenting with other alcoholic beverages,” explains one senior, who having failed to get her MRS. degree will graduate in the spring as ‘its complicated.’ “On Wednesdays, instead of White Claws I’ve been drinking white wine.”

With the beer cans littering the lawns of the Senior apartments like the un-digested chunks of Commons dinner remains in their bathroom, many seniors refuse to believe that the role of alcohol in their life will change at all. 

“My dad went into work every day a little drunk and he never got fired,” details a Business major. “Honestly, the only time he ever got in any trouble was when the owner of the company- my grandpa- found his vodka stash. As long as I hide my alcohol well, I’m sure I’ll be able to continue my rate of consumption.”

At Davidson a “rough night” is simply a ‘pre-game’ for a day of studying. However, the seniors are already starting to feel the academic reality caused by drinking until Nummit Quesadillas actually taste good. 

“The only way I think I can effectively do work anymore is with a hangover,” explains an ex ‘Humester’ senior who is now a Math major. “The other day I was reading a book sober and I couldn’t even understand it. I kept making these ridiculously ungrounded connections. What did the author mean by starting the sentence with “Be” instead of “A.” It was like being back in Humes. I gave myself such a headache I had to down a Vizzy on the spot.” 

While some seniors seek to assimilate into the ‘old-ish’ crowd by trading Wildcat Wednesdays for wine nights and others simply accept the long-standing role alcohol will play in their lives, still others seek bigger, more impactful options. 

“Honestly, I don’t know what I will do without the mind-numbing emptiness of sponging up the sweat of my fellow classmates at F,” explains an Econ major. “But I’m excited for my next big thing. In high school, I was addicted to Ritalin. Now, in college, I’m always drinking, but grad school? Who knows. I’ve always thought hard drugs were a bit intense but honestly, I feel nothing anymore.”

While an occasional senior might be seen chasing the campus skunk yelling “here kitty kitty,” the Class of 2023 seniors have survived. As these Wildcats realize they will soon become nothing more than sedentary house pets lounging around the consumerist duplex of America, they still are happy to offer some final “Wildcat Wisdom” for the remaining classes. 

“Always roll F,” explains a teary-eyed, festive senior on Friday night. “Take selfies with Dougie. Eat the commons tuna when you feel disconnected with the world around you- it really connects you to your physical being and ALWAYS try to name-drop Steph Curry into every conversation. You know I might actually miss this place. Worth every bit of crippling debt.”

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