The Davidsonian

What To Do When Both Your Roommates Get New Boyfriends

So, two of your closest friends have started engaging in illicit activities with members of the opposite sex. Bummer. Really, huge disappointment. Because, no matter what they say and how much they may claim to love you, they’re going to be spending more and more time with their new beloved. And, the thing is, you would too if you were getting into a relationship. But you’re not. You’re alone in your room, listening to their giggles and what sounds like mediocre sex through the walls. Well, dear reader, I have some advice to make this transition and time a little less strenuous and a little more fun: 

  • Become the new boyfriend’s ultimate bully. The best way to show dominance and superiority when a new person enters your life by way of a friend is to make sure they know who is in charge. Tips for bullying: 
    • Come up with a terrible and humiliating nickname. Hopefully something their mom once called them. 
    • Point out their deficiencies, especially when it comes to their lacking sense of humor. 
    • Imply that your friend has divulged every secret about their sex life. 
    • Dominance isn’t just important in the bedroom – it’s essential to boyfriend–roommate pairings.
  • Cry anytime your roommate asks if he can come over. This cockblocking device both makes you look sympathetic and recenters your roommate’s attention to you (where it belongs).  My best advice is to have the tears pool in your eyes and then slowly blink them out, so they trickle down your cheek in a dramatic, neo-noir-esque way. 
  • Cook really stinky food anytime he’s over. If, somehow, the scoundrel does manage to weasel his way into your apartment, start whipping up some of the stinkiest stuff you can find. Nothing kills the mood like a bad smell. Examples: 
    • Roasting Brussel sprouts and/or broccoli 
    • Microwave a few eggs 
    • Burn some of your own hair over a candle flame
  • Date his best friend and make your roommate doubt her own relationship by proving that yours is so much better. This is a bit more manipulative than our previous points and might cause a true rift between you and your roommate, but if you’re willing to risk it all, it’s a surefire way to break them up. The only downside to this tactic is that you will have to feign interest in the boyfriend’s best friend. This is also risky and you must have superb acting skills.  
  • Claim to be allergic to his cologne, preventing him from coming over ever.  Of course this guy wears cologne, but use that to your advantage! Claim to be allergic and sneeze aggressively anytime he is near. He may stop wearing said cologne, but you can keep up the act and just sneeze and cough all the time, no matter what. You may be able to advance this point by claiming to be allergic to his dander as if he is a certain breed of dog. 

Dear reader, I sympathize with you. Having both your roommates paired up is no fun. Ultimately, these suggestions cannot mask that sadness, but you know what can? A vibrator. 

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