I know exactly what you’re thinking. This past weekend was pretty alright: raging with dad at F, hauling pee-paw’s wheelchair up and down the hill, and hearing your mom say “I remember when this song was popular back in my day” during every single acapella performance as if retro music hasn’t become mainstream again. But still, there’s something that could’ve made this weekend a thousand times better if only you could just put your finger on it. Chances are that missing thing was my parents, Dave and Kathy. They unfortunately were unable to make it to Wildcat Weekend and are unlikely to be in attendance at any future Davidson events besides, fingers crossed, my graduation, but don’t let their absent parenting style fool you—they’re the life of the party. Since everyone, including myself, missed out on their presence, I’ve imagined some situations so you’ll know exactly what you’re missing.
POV: You’re wearing cute, artsy earrings, holding an iced oat milk latte apple crisp cinnamon bun other fall buzzwords frappuccino, and your girlfriend is standing right next to you. “Wait a second,” Kathy falls into a sharp whisper, “are you a…homosexual?” After gasping and then pausing for a very awkward amount of time, Kathy then decides that you’re not, you’re just a Studio Art major from a wealthy New England family and when you say “girlfriend” you’re actually using the 1863 version of the word in which you simply mean a friend who is a woman. Dave, on the other hand, wasn’t paying attention this entire time and wants the conversation to end so he can talk about a book he only read the first couple chapters of.
POV: You’re looking sharp, real sharp. Starch white three piece suit with a straw hat sharp. Kathy is excited. Your suit harkens back to the rich colonist history of Southern Louisiana which she holds so dear. She immediately spews out heartfelt stories of homemade beignets, sugarcane harvesting, and segregation. Dave has completely wandered off away from the family, but if he were here, he’d hand you a cigar and give you a good, strong handshake.
POV: You’re another set of parents. Unfortunately for you, my parents lose all their inhibitions when meeting other people their age. Dave walks up to your dad and immediately goes, “Hey there, Bubba,” while slapping him on the back as hard as possible. He then talks about the three main male interests: World War II, Roman gladiators, and what’s for dinner, in that order. Kathy is ecstatic to discuss postmenopausal bodily happenings with your mom. Once that conversation is over, she’ll then begin every sentence afterwards with, “In the 70s…”