The Davidsonian

Breaking: Lorax Found in Critical Condition on Ridge Road

Davidson, NC. In the early hours of Saturday, October 8, two students stumbled upon the battered orange creature. The pair who found the body, sophomores at Davidson College, were driving back from a night of wholesome fun at the establishment formerly known as “K-Pub.”

Initially, there were questions regarding the identity of the victim. “I almost didn’t see him,” said one of the students, both of whom have asked to remain anonymous. “He was just crawling across the road. My friend had to yell at me to stomp on the brakes or else we would’ve completely flattened him. We pulled over and called 911 immediately.”

The victim, orange and furry, was originally thought by first responders to be a cat—one of the firefighters mentioned it could be Garfield and that they should try to force-feed it lasagna to wake the creature up. Paramedics soon arrived on the scene, and an ambulance rushed the victim to the hospital. There, he was identified as the Lorax and was able to provide information to law enforcement.

The attacker was identified to be Davidson College President, Doug Hicks. Police took Hicks into custody around noon on Saturday, where he initially waived his right to legal representation. The Yowl was able to speak with him shortly after his booking.

“I don’t see what the big deal is anyway,” Hicks told reporters concerning the incident. “He’s just a tree-hugging troublemaker. He tied himself to one of the few trees left near Satellite, and I tried to reason with him. He wouldn’t listen, so I took a shovel and, well,” Hicks gestured with his hands some moves we here at the Yowl will not interpret for our younger first-year readers.

I’m the real victim here,” Hicks continued, now making exaggerated hand motions. “I got blood on my pajamas—do you know how much it’ll cost to get these dry cleaned? These are real alligator skin [pajamas— reporters believe Hicks used the word, ‘jammies’].”

The Lorax was allegedly protesting the “complete and utter” destruction of the campus woods. In just the last few months, acres of forest cover has been chopped down to make room for new athletic facilities. Hicks was eager to speak to the allegations.

“Listen, we already lost our arboretum status a couple years ago. After that, the board just said, ‘fuck it.’ We were all in a meeting over the summer discussing what to do when I felt the music enter me. I jumped up and began stomping around. I started singing, ‘let it die, let it die. Let it shrivel up and die.’ I swear you’ve never seen a room of elderly white people get up and start dancing like they did that day. One of the trustees needs a new hip because he was moving so much.”

Police expect to file charges against Hicks in the coming days. Sources inside the court expect bail to be set at $50,000 and that the college’s endowment will be used to cover the cost. The victim is currently recuperating in a Charlotte hospital and will be released later this week. Consider donating to the Lorax’s gofundme, or as is his request, donate to the WWF.

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