Note: The Yowl is a satirical supplement to The Davidsonian. Hence, nothing in it should be taken as truth.

CHAMBERS 2038 –– Tensions flared. Anger palpitated. Discord diffused. Palms sweated. Armpits also sweated. I’d-like-to-pushback-on-that’s swirled. Evidence was cited. Evidence was disputed. Chairs were thrown. Okay it was only one chair. And it kind of just tipped over. Anyways. Hostility permeated. Animosity pervaded. 

Such was the scene in  a crowded classroom during last Thursday’s impassioned deliberations between SGA and faculty members regarding a topic that students hardly ever think about but school administrators apparently lose sleep over at night: Latin Honors. At The Yowl, we are committed to providing coverage of this ongoing discussion. Below are some highlights from the meeting.

The committee’s Recording Secretary opened the deliberations by stating, “Today we gather to discuss probably the most important issue facing our institution today. Latin Honors are what singularly define not only a student’s academic, extracurricular, and personal achievements while at Davidson, but also their self worth for the rest of their life. We must proceed with utmost care.”

When an SGA member commented that a rank-based system could put Davidson’s non-competitive academic culture at risk, he was met with jeers, jumbled comments about “millenials” and “entitlement,” and one ball of paper hurled from the back row of the room.

A particularly emboldened student representative suggested, “Maybe we all just, like, chill and leave things the way they’ve always been?” While this comment received a few head-nods from around the room, the so-called Chill Compromise did not receive requisite votes to pass.

One faculty member, who stood up suddenly and spoke with palpable vigor, exclaimed, “They took away the good trail mix from the 2nd Chambers break room and replaced it with one that’s just cashews and raisins! If we have to suffer, then the students should too!” When respectfully asked what exactly this had to do with the topic at hand, the tenured professor muttered, “Oh, um, yeah, the grade inflation stuff too I guess.”

Realizing that the deliberations had devolved into unproductive rantings, the two sides agreed to table the talks for the time being. We will provide updates as this apparently heated and for some reason really dramatic situation unfolds. 

Editor’s Note: Much to the chagrin of our editorial staff, both sides dismissed the visionary ideas put forth by two previous Yowl articles as potential compromises. As a reminder, we have written about this issue before, once suggesting that graduating seniors be announced in order of Cake Race finishing times and later proposing a system in which Latin Honors are bestowed based on a series of vibe tiers rather than GPA. We know some of you read this. Please consider these options. How important can a few italicized words be anyways?