by Shut Up & Drive ’23
Oh, ho! What is this hot take on the song that has been consistently topping the charts for weeks? Well, we are just here to say: fuck that. Sheep, step away from the jukebox and come see the light.
Reasons why this song sucks, grouped by line/theme:
- “I got my driver’s license last week… [blonde girl] she’s so much older than me… ‘cause how could I ever love anyone else?” Okay, let’s unpack this monstrosity of teenage angst: first, if you just got your driver’s license last week, that makes you like 17 years old. And you’re saying that you’re never going to have this feeling you have for some rando again? Honey, iPods have been on this planet longer than you have. You are going to have so many more heartbreaks, don’t worry. Watch Dirty Dancing and cry, you’ll be fine in the morning.
- “But today I drove through the suburbs”–alright, so your man lives in the suburbs. Girl, you are in love with a mediocre white man who wears tube socks with Nike slides, uses two in one shampoo conditioner all over his body and has never done laundry in his life. Get a fucking grip. Sure, we’ve all been there, but Jesus, we didn’t write a song about it. Step on that gas pedal and cruise on past this blip in your life history.
- “And you’re probably with that blonde girl”–why do they always have to be blonde? Like why? Just a personal gripe from a non-blonde. Where is my representation, goddammit.
- “And I know we weren’t perfect but I’ve never felt this way for no one”– just a grammar complaint here, nothing big.
- “I still see your face in the white cars”– just confirming the mediocre white man theory.
- “But I still fucking love you, babe”–okay we appreciate the f bomb coming from a Disney tweenie bopper, +1.5 points.
The Yowl is the satire section of the Davidsonian, therefore any and all information in these articles should be taken as fiction and not real.