By Jane Austin

Photo illustration for Who Would Win in a Duel: The Yowl™ vs. The Davidson Onion

Ladies and gentlemen, it was the takedown of the century. The fight to end all fights. Yes, you heard it here first. This weekend, world-renowned, undefeated satire champion The YowlTM (please note the official trademark) took on the new kid on the block, rookie Instagram page The Davidson Onion (no trademark to be seen). Legions of fans gathered to see The Davidsonian’s finest joke page take on this newly-minted, less than impressive, threat to their throne.

In an interview before the match, The YowlTM commented, “I just want a nice clean match. Let the new kid show their stuff. I wish them all the best today.”

The Davidson Onion had other things to say. “I’ll kick this old geezer out of the ring in seconds!” he said, “Who even knew we already had a satire section in the school newspaper? I sure didn’t.” He then hit his juul and glided away on his penny board to prepare for the upcoming fight.

The match began with fervent support from both sides. Supporting The Davidson Onion were the twenty-ish Instagram accounts that have surfaced in the last couple weeks and a handful of other supporters.

On the side of The YowlTM was literally every other member of the student body.

The Davidson Onion opened the match with the lackluster headline, “Davidson Barstool Unsurprisingly Empty.”

“Ha!” he shouted, “It’s funny because nobody here parties hard-y! Even when they’re allowed to!” The joke garnered a lackluster chuckle from the stands and a meager 84 likes on Instagram.

The YowlTM followed up with, “Records Broken After Police Chief Reports Zero Transports During 2020 Frolics” and promptly won the round because she didn’t have to explain the joke to anyone.

The match continued this way for several minutes. The YowlTM barely broke a sweat, but the Davidson Onion choked back tears. 

After several more killer headlines about quarantine, self-selection, astrology, and jokes at the expense of the first year class, The YowlTM was declared victorious while The Davidson Onion curled up into the fetal position muttering something about President Quillen in a hazmat suit.

The YowlTM remained a magnanimous and sportsmanlike victor, however. “Hey Onion,” she said after the match, “don’t feel sad. You don’t have to start your own Instagram page to gain fame and notoriety around here. You’re welcome to write for us. We’re always looking for new writers, and hey, you might even get to see your hilariously-mangled name in print!”

We interviewed some of the spectators to get their opinions on the match. “Neither of them are that funny,” said senior EJ McHugh ‘21. “None of this is even real satire, it’s just half-baked jokes with a Davidson building or catch-all thrown in here and there to make it sound relatable.” McHugh was later seen in Chambers weeping into his Nummit iced coffee.