By: Ho In Town ‘23 

Photo illustration for “What Kind of Election Anxiety Are You”

Well, folks, as Election Day is now less than a week a way, tensions are definitely high across the nation as Big Pharma gets ready for the last big shindig of the 2020 election season, aka literally the last four years. We’ve created this easy breakdown of all the different ways you, our beloved reader, might be coping this week in order to help you gain peace and perspective during this trying time.

The Leslie Knope: You have made 34 different spreadsheets analyzing the different outcomes, phone-banked nonstop for the past 52 weeks, made personalized, sequined jackets for your campaign crew, and are on your fifth unity quilt.

The Justin Trudeau: You have an extremely large sum of Canadian dollars in the trunk of your car and have made a hotel reservation in Niagara Falls for all of next week. We’ve heard Canada is beautiful this time of year…

Big Pharma: Your liquor store and dispensary have both named you customer of the month and are extremely grateful for your patronage. In your mind, regardless of the outcome of the election, there are literally no downsides to this lifestyle.

Netflix and Chill: Instead of turning on the news, you just watch an episode of The West Wing

The Poli Sci Major: You feel less and less inclined to be a poli sci major. Or you love it and you’re a dick.

The Family (Wo)Man: You actually can’t stand your family any more because all they ever talk about is politics, and it’s just about given poor Great-Aunt Marcy a heart attack, so can’t we just shut up and talk about something else for a minute and/or actually I can’t stand your politics and am moving out permanently.

The Jock: You’ve found that if you just immerse yourself in physical activity 24/7 there is actually no space in your brain to think about anything but the task at hand. Favorite sports include running, biking, fishing the remote control out of the crack in the couch, and shoveling large quantities of doritos into your mouth (gotta fuel up to play hard).

Twitter Queen: There is no headline you can’t come up with a snarky retort for. Single-handedly, you are changing the minds of so many, all the while you sit comfortably on the toilet. 

My Dad: You couldn’t care less anymore and probably didn’t in the first place, so you switch to that episode of “Storage Wars” that’s been burning a hole in your DVR and conk out on the couch.