Weather Report: Despite Low Temperature, Cocky New Englander Claims it is Still “Shorts Weathah”

DAVIDSON, NC — The Yowl’s field correspondent recently spotted Davidson first-year and suburban Boston native Patrick McGillicuddy walking to the Union in what he confidently referred to as “his fall look,” which consisted of a slightly oversized Larry Bird jersey and a pair of well-worn athletic shorts.

When asked if the outfit was appropriate given the recent drop in temperature over the past few weeks, McGillicuddy responded, “Back in New England it’s wicked f*cking freezing right now; like bro, it’s freakin’ cold. This right here is summah weathah. Shorts till Thanksgiving break baby.”

The Yowl’s reporter states that McGillicuddy then began rattling off names of towns in the Boston area that he believed to be the most heavily hit by the frigid northeast weather.

“There’s wicked heavy frost in Quincy bro, and the roads in Dorchestah and Medfo[r]d are as icy as Andovah in Decembah.” He continued to ramble on for several minutes, naming a few cities whose existence The Yowl has not been able to corroborate. “Wa[r]te[r]fo[r]d and Wahlbe[r]gham already have snow bro, and Afleckchestah lost powah.”

Our correspondent began to try to escape the conversation, but McGillicuddy insisted on pointing at people wearing long sleeves calling them “chowdaheads.” He then went into a semi-audible rant about how people “down he[r]e” do not appreciate the warmth at Davidson. Four minutes into his rant, our reporter could notice the Bostonian becoming less and less coherent. After a while, his teeth were chattering and he just continuously repeated the phrase, “Bro, bro, Krispy Kreme is just trash Dunkin’ bro.”

Our reporter was able to get McGillicuddy inside by playing Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch’s hit single Good Vibrations, at which point she promptly left him in front of the Union TV playing reruns of The Office, which prompted the shivering lad to mutter, “You know that Steve Carrell is from Mass, right bro?”

Claire Reitman ’22 , who went to high school with McGillicuddy, told The Yowl, “He’s not even from Boston. He lives in a town like an hour away. He developed that accent senior year after he watched Good Will Hunting on a school trip.”

McGillicuddy responded to these comments by saying, “Do I physically live in Boston? I guess technically you would not be wrong if you said no, but I’m 100% Beantown bro.”

At press time, McGillicuddy had reportedly been diagnosed with Raynaud’s syndrome and was seen wearing sweatpants.

Comments are closed.