How do I get over my ex? We broke up about six months ago, and I found out that they’ve recently gotten back in the dating game. I feel like I should be doing the same, but every time I think about looking for dates I feel nauseous. The same happens when I think about them with someone else. What should I do?
~ Lovesick and Tired
Ok wow, that is a lot. Let’s unpack this. First of all, you are overthinking this way too much. Maybe you’ve bought into the popular narrative of the soulmate. In that case, you need to realize how ridiculous you sound. Supposedly, out of seven billion people, you are only destined for one. And you happened to meet them where? At Davidson College? And, from those seven billion, truly the best you can do is your ex? Please… I mean if you are going to put yourself in the conventional, suppressive narrative, at least dream big, you know?
Sure, you may think, “Oh, I invested so much time in this one person, how could I ever possibly get to the same place with someone else?” Exhausting. “No one will ever understand me like them.” Do you even understand you? Also, no one is that special. But maybe I’m just a cynic.
Maybe your problem is the feeling of losing control. Yeah, we get it; you and your ex were a team, and now you’re surfing the uncertainty solo. The waves are choppy, and you are seasick. But you have to stop pressuring yourself to enter the dating sea. It’s filled with sharks, or, even worse, seaweed. Maybe your ex was your anchor, but now you need to take a step back and find the captain of your ship (hint: it’s you).
In all seriousness, you just don’t need to date if you don’t want to! Please don’t rush into anything that will make you feel worse. Give yourself the care and time to get to a place where you might be able to really enjoy and be present with another person. You deserve that.
In other news, it does not matter what your ex is doing. You need to start your own path and stop going in circles around the past. It is highly likely you are rewiring your memory and pretending things were better than they actually were. But even if things actually were great, that doesn’t mean going back will be as well. It’s like going through a candy box: by your fourth wrapper, chocolate is just not as sweet anymore, and things have run their course. And eating too much chocolate will make you throw up more than not eating chocolate. Logic.
Also, isn’t there a reason you guys aren’t together anymore? A good enough reason for you to still not be together six months later? Trust that reason.
Let your ex, and whoever they are or aren’t dating, be. You are ruining your mood and just acquiring vast amounts of useless information by stalking them on Insta. No, obviously they are not as cute as you are, asking all your friends to confirm is not going to make that fact any more true. Instead, our readers suggest channeling positivity. Listen to Flo Milli. Go to the lake and look out across the water. Beat someone at tennis. And if that doesn’t make you feel happiness, then I am sorry, your problems are beyond me. Just fundamentally cannot understand.
As yogi tea taught me recently, living righteously and loving everyone will build up around you an aura of light and love.
You don’t need your ex to feel whole. In fact, they need you. Probably. But more importantly, you need you. Wisdom. You’re welcome.
Told You So.