Submit your Qs here:

Any tips for hanging out with potential love interests in the time of COVID? How do I ask them to hang? What do we do? How do I meet people? Any of the above?

~COVID lover 

COVID lover, 

Wow. 

The question that’s on everyone’s mind. And to be frank, we haven’t quite figured out the answer ourselves. Let’s start with the fundamentals. Exploring the set of possibilities around you. Where can you find a potential love interest? Our readers suggest turning your problem into a solution. Yes, COVID sucks, but it has brought us an invaluable engagement opportunity: namely the COVID testing guys. No matter how you identify, you gotta admit they’re pretty hot. We can honestly say at this point that we’re usually excited for our weekly mini test date with the magical doctor brothers of Kappa Vi Delta. 

If you’re not about hitting on someone while they stick a swab up your nose, then you can always go for the classic. Crushes, Exes, and all the weird dudes who have DM’d you over the years. Who are we to judge a revisiting of the past in these uncertain times. But how to find that perfect opening line to hook them in? According to our research, using phrases like “COVID has really helped me mature” and “Did you workout in quarantine cause I did” usually do the trick. Or, if you’re lucky, you notice on LinkedIn that it’s their birthday. Wow what an opportunity. Smoothly take a screenshot and send it to them with the message “LinkedIn made me wish you happy birthday.” We tried this out and guaranteed 10/10 success. For those of you looking to find something completely new, consider writing letters and addressing them to random P.O. boxes. Keep it short and sweet and possibly add a picture of you/your pet. We heard cute kittens do the trick, and who knows what kind of response you might receive… In our opinion this might even be a more fool-proof approach than online dating (while you’re at it direct all fan mail to Box 6906). 

So now that you have located a potential love interest, what do you do? Good news! Right now, just about everyone is craving social interactions. No matter how awkward your plan actually is, your chances of getting a yes have exponentially increased. The real struggle comes in figuring out how to keep the sexual tension alive while remaining six feet apart. One way to get the intensity going is to eat a lot of aphrodisiac foods, namely seashells. For those of you who are allergic or seeking a more spiritual connection, another strategy is to stare deeply into each other’s eyes for a minimum of ten minutes and then answer the New York Times 36 questions to fall in love. In terms of location, the great outdoors works best. Maybe this is the chance you were looking for to showcase those wilderness survival skills you learned in summer camp. Impress your date by starting a fire. This could be literal or metaphorical. 

Serious talk. Now more than ever, you can take your time in figuring out what you and a potential partner want. Let’s look at this pandemic as a chance to really get to know people before you take it to the next level. Or maybe, if you feel ready to explore, this is the time to be spontaneous and go on out-of the box adventures. Swim in our lake, watch the sunset, and cook your own food. It’s D.I.Y. season and we are here for it. If you feel the urge to, just ask them out, get risky. Take a chance with your heart, but not with your health. 

Always here to answer your pressing queries.

Yours unequivocally, 

Told You So.