Weirdo in the Nummit Booth ‘28

Photo illustration for “‘Those Bathrooms Seem Weirdly Large…’ Enterprising Barista Opens Secret Speakeasy”

Ever taken a satisfying trip to one of the two (2) disconcertingly large Nummit bathrooms and thought to yourself while sitting comfortably on the can, “Wow, this bathroom is disconcertingly large”? If so, you and Nummit barista Ingram Digby ‘22 have very similar opinions on appropriate bathroom sizes. However, we recently learned that Digby’s enterprising nature allowed him to take this rather odd amount of space devoted to defecating to the next level.

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING YOWL™ REPORT CONTAINS TOP SECRET INFORMATION THAT ABSOLUTELY BY NO MEANS CAN ENTER PUBLIC KNOWLEDGE.

“I noticed that a lot of students were kind of starved of social stimulation,” Digby said in a recent interview actually conducted in one of the spacious bathrooms (right side, a personal favorite). “And considering that Nummit closes pretty early in the night but still has so much beer on tap…well, I just thought the answer was obvious.”

Thus began Digby’s epic quest: to pioneer the swankiest (and maybe only? We weren’t here during Prohibition) speakeasy Davidson has ever seen. As soon as Nummit closes on Wednesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays (all days Digby has conveniently arranged to be working the late shift), he and a few trusted friends quickly haul a few stools and accent pieces (a knockoff Jackson Pollock, a smoking jacket draped casually over a sink), set up some dim lighting and a speaker, and wait for the guests to roll in.

“We keep it to quite a select crowd, both because of COVID and also because what’s the point if it’s not elitist,” said Digby. “Really, it’s just members of the other secret societies on campus…but mostly Phi. Also a few die-hard theater majors.”

In order to reach the speakeasy, dedicated students must first shimmy through a back window and then provide that week’s password at the bathroom door. Last week, it was “quick I’m gonna shit my pants,” an example that illustrates the creative genius of the founders with a tasteful nod to the coffee house itself. 

When asked about the future prospects of the speakeasy, Digby shook his head and smiled wistfully. “We hope that we’ll be able to continue providing such a necessary service to Davidson students, but it really is a product of COVID and the lack of F. To quote the Davidson College Instagram page, ‘Nothing gold can stay.’”