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Photo Illustration for “The Yowl’s Guide to Campus Coitus: Six Places to Spice Up Your Sex Life”

My fellow Davidsonians. The time for the YOWL’s annual, top-rated, British-sponsored, sex-on-campus-themed literature has finally come. And it has come in a big way. After waiting longer than it takes me to find the clitoris in my Grey’s Anatomy, we are proud to present our favorite annual guide to the Davidson populace. And not just to my fellow students! This handbook is aimed at all Davidson personnel, whether you be student, professor, or staff (I’m looking at you, P.E. Watersports Coach). Plenty of bating (of the de- kind) has gone into this work of excellence, and we hope that it inspires you to engage in the kind of excellence that Davidson College is proud to instill in its members.

Stick it to Art

Let’s start out with an easy way to bring that certain je ne sais quois to your routine of trying to fondle in a longer than average twin bed. You know what building has more space than you could shake a stick at? The Visual Arts Center. That’s right, the building in which you had that 8:15 Art History course, in those incredibly comfy seats, can be repurposed for an extremely gratifying experience. Well, gratifying in my case, my ex always refused to comment. Nevertheless, the VAC is a fantastic spot if you are new to the public philandering game, and the YOWL, a Davidson sanctioned organization, highly recommends it for your first foreplay foray.

Presidential Fitness Test

I can hear you say, “ugh, been there, been done there,” and to that I reply, “wow, déjà vu, have I dated you?” If you too, dear reader, have moved on to bigger and better things, than this spot is for you. Too often are our evening entanglements reserved to our assigned lodgings. We at the YOWL support you taking it outside, and more specifically, to the front yard of Carol Quillen’s Estate. Show our President how seriously you are taking our COVID precautions as you mask up and use protection to ensure that neither our quarantine, nor our chlamydia rates, reach the same rates as those of the baseball team’s. Yet there are two parts to this event; the first is the garden gallivanting, and the second is the inevitable sprint from Davidson’s Finest, as our President overreacts to the display on her doorstep.

Surf and Turf Party

Not to be confused with Phi Delt’s Beach and Soccer themed party, this lovely event is hosted every semester by the brothers of the esteemed Kappa Alpha fraternity. This exclusive event is themed with crabs and spit-roasts. Worried that your girlfriend will want to party with you? Then you are in luck, because this event is exclusively for the men of the college. Come relax in an environment that is very comfortable with its own sexuality and known for its very thick foreskins!

Making Music

Are Greek orgies not your speed? Then perhaps the YOWL can recommend a fine pairing with your relationship that is fizzling out. This year’s vintage of Sex in Sloane works wonders for the pair in despair. Use an empty practice room to reignite the flame, as the soundproof walls do their very best to muffle the cries of anguish emitted from the mouths of passers-by. Perform new positions such as “tickling the ivories” or “clari-neti pot,” as you scale to new heights in your cultural copulation.

Crying in the Shower

Sticking with the theme of cultural spaces (after all we at the YOWL are very big fans of it), the next spot requires a bit of limber maneuvering. Located next to the flagpole, the Crying in the Shower Statue (do you know the name of it? I’m pretty sure that no one does), yearns to be in the sexual spotlight of Davidson. Partners can slip inside the statue, opening up new avenues of exploration and excitation as you contribute to the artistic sphere of the college. The space inside is perfect for queer friendly positions like scissoring (I’ve never had sex with another man, nor is it my style, but on all the male-on-male porn I watch, this happens), or reverse Buddha. If you aren’t familiar with either of these positions, then ask during the next Zoom session of your Eastern Religions or Arts and Crafts course.

Nooks and Nookie

Have you found yourself cramped for time on your latest writing assignment, but feeling the devil’s pull at the same time? Then boning en la biblioteca is for you! Find yourself a nice quiet area between the stacks with your beloved (in the theology sections if you really want to be watched) and get those spines cracking. Alone this Valentine’s Day? Recreate Phillip Roth’s Portnoy’s Complaint, a perfect one-person artistic extravaganza that is sure to go down in the annals of Davidson’s library history. Aren’t familiar with the book? Look it up and try and slip it into your next English class conversation.

Train in Vail

For those with exceptional taste, we can only recommend our renowned dining hall: Vail Commons. Thought bringing food to the bedroom was a good idea? Wrong! Bring the bedroom to the food, as you engage in sex in the safest space that Davidson has to offer. After all, you can only enter the dining hall with that handy app! Use the hand sanitizer to keep yourself clean of germs, as you get oh-so-dirty. However, for all you menage-a-multiple-of-twos, remember to keep the limit at four, otherwise you run the risk of spreading this very inconvenient virus.

Sand in the Crack

Bring the romance of beach bungling to the sexy halls of Davidson, as you appropriate our very own golf course for your needs. Missing that feeling of rinsing sand out of your ass-crack for weeks, because your significant other says that it will, “be so romantic,” and that, “of course she’s doesn’t think that the magic has faded in the relationship,” and, “of course she would love for you to still take her to Paris,” or even, “the Paris trip was fun and all, but I think we need some time.” Bar that, recreate your favorite spring break moments (including worrying if you’ve caught syphilis for three weeks after), as you get tantric in the traps.

Ad-Vance-d Studies

Live the Davidson athlete lifestyle you’ve always dreamed of (including crushing disappointment when you lose to an online community college football program) and take your new inspired selves to our very own athletic center. Perform uniquely Davidson sexual acts, such as the Silver Fox (where you ejaculate on your partners head and pat them on the head for a job well done), or the Splash Brother (where you lay next to your partner and discuss the glory days when you actually meant something to each other, and then post about it on twitter). So, take your partner on this Valentine’s Day and shoot some homeruns or knock some field goals out of the park!

With that we must leave you, dear reader. We hope that this guide inspires you take your future/current love lives to new heights. If you find yourself participating in any of these acts, make sure you take a picture, tweet it, and tag @DavidsonCollege. They would love it.