The Yowl Does Astrology Now, Apparently: The Signs As Davidson Students

The Yowl is a satirical supplement to The Davidsonian. Hence, nothing in it should be taken as truth.

With dismal weather and looming exams clouding the mind of almost every student, we at The Yowl turned to our inner mystic to bring you the signs as Davidson students. These can and should be taken seriously, because they definitely come from the minds of renowned astrologers and are based on facts and not a bored Davidson freshman procrastinating.

Aries:

Will go to F the Friday of break. Willing to scavenge dumpsters for Keystones if necessary.

Taurus:

Mostly nocturnal, can be found running the cross country trails at 3 AM.

Gemini:

Replies all to Cable surveys on Outlook. 

Cancer:

Hasn’t eaten at Commons in months, favorite Union meal is Chicken On The GreensTM.

Leo:

Sets alarm for 8:00 AM to work out, stays in bed, alarm continues to go off every nine minutes, waking up roommate.

Virgo:

Woke up at 7 AM for add/drop, banner web crashed.

Libra:

Only likes the first floor of the library, talks out loud to mom on FaceTime the entire time.

Scorpio:

Leaves for Thanksgiving break the Wednesday before it actually starts.

Sagittarius:

Downloaded Disney + and hasn’t stopped watching Phineas and Ferb since. Relates more to Ferb.

Capricorn:

Burned through Nummit dollars in the first week, is now camped outside begging for sips of exiting patrons’ beverages. 

Aquarius:

Enjoys Duo Push notifications. In need of professional psychoanalysis.

Pisces:

Went to a Warner and Fiji semis back to back and has not recovered since.

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