by Scarf Man ‘23

Photo illustration for “The Top 10 Ways to Have a Healthy Relationship with Your Roommate”

At the beginning of the semester, everything was so new and exciting, and, if you are like me, you probably got to know your roommate pretty well spending most (if not all) of your time together in the room. But now that we are all more comfortable with our routines and spending more time away from each other, you might find yourself falling out of touch with your roomie. Here are some tips to help spice up that relationship during this late-semester slump. If you just follow these ten simple steps, you will drastically improve your relationship. If you are lucky, they might even change their minds about moving out come spring.

1. Time them when they go to the restroom so they know their PRs and can strive for faster times. E-piss-iency is key.

2. Don’t mention anything about their masturbation schedule.

3. Urinate in their guitar or other instruments – it acts as a polish that helps preserve the wood.

4. Use their toothbrush every once and a while to build immunities so neither of you get sick. If you are really in a pinch, this can also be achieved by drinking from their water bottle, but don’t forget to add a little extra saliva back in there when you are finished drinking!

5. Turn on the lights in the middle of the night and yell “intruder!” just to keep them on their toes. They will thank you when RLO busts down your door for a random room search and you need to defend yourselves.

6. Wear their clothes so they know you are actually willing to put yourself in their shoes.

7. Give them foot rubs in the middle of the night while they are asleep. When they wake up in the morning with completely limber soles, they will know who to thank.

8. Slowly whisper “it’s okay, it’s okay” at two in the morning when you hear them sobbing into a bag of hot Cheetos. Randomly change your volume and cadence with each “it’s okay” to achieve maximum comforting ability. If they don’t stop crying after a while, repeating step 5 will resolve the issue.

9. Put on your space suit and leap around the room in the background of their online class. Everyone will know that your roommate is out of this world. If you don’t do this, everyone will think your roommate is hopelessly depressed, which is probably the case, but you still don’t want to advertise that.

10.  Always share your snacks with them, whether it be your nuts, your bananas, your meat, or even your tide pods.

Trust me, they will be counting down the nine weeks until they can see you again. I’ve tested these strategies out on my very own roommate, Corn Boy 23’, who tells me repeatedly, in his deep and husk voice, how much he appreciates the effort that I put into our relationship. Like us, you could achieve perfection in your roommate relationship and be spooning together at 2pm on a Tuesday afternoon. What could be better?