The Theory of Evolution Does Not Believe in Texas

In a controversial tweet posted yesterday morning, the Theory of Evolution announced that it did not, in fact, believe in Texas. Responding to a history lesson its son sat through on the Battle of the Alamo, Evolution tweeted,

“I don’t want government conspiracies like this so-called “Texas” being taught to my children. #teachthecontroversy.” Evolution was quickly mobbed by both critics and defenders, leading it to delete the tweet.

Evolution later released a statement clarifying its disbelief in the prominent American state:

“Geographers believe that Texas exists, but they haven’t come up with any proof yet. Texas is just a theory.” Evolution elaborated on its belief, citing the lack of photographic evidence of the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo to bolster its’ point.

Evolution went on to say that the lack of cowboys in the United States serves as proof for its allegations.

“I mean, everybody knows that Texas is where cowboys come from. But when was the last time that you saw a guy on a horse herding cattle across the freeway? If Texas were real, we’d see a lot more cowboys.”

Angry Facebook grandmother Tabitha Carrey agreed with the statements. In a minion-themed image she posted today, Carrey stated:

“If Texas is real, why isn’t it in the Bible? They say we have freedom of worship in this country, but the schools can force propaganda about alleged geopolitical institutions down my grandkids’ throats?” She continued to state that she didn’t really mind schools teaching the existence of the second largest state, but that they should at least have a course on the arguments of Texas-skeptics.

We reached out to Gregory Konrad, leading cartographer at Michigan State University, to respond to Evolution’s statements. “Evolution’s claims are ludicrous. 95% of geographers and cartographers, and nine out of 10 dentists strongly believe in the existence of Texas. And the other 5% are just irate Mexican bureaucrats.”

Evolution recently announced plans to use the momentum generated by the controversy to push for the removal of references to Texas from classes in its’ home state of Delaware. The American Civil Liberties Union has pledged to stop the campaign, marking the first time ever the ACLU has defended Texas.

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