The Onion Founder Not Satirist; Actually Prophet

Since its founding in 1989, “The Onion” has been touted as “America’s Finest News Source,” a tagline widely understood—at least until recently—to be a joke. Recently, however, mounting evidence has begun to suggest that the headlines of this fake news outlet may contain more truth than anyone had previously imagined.

It began with an inconspicuous article buried in the Politics section in 2013 claiming that Vice President Joe Biden was building a high-end ice cream stand for the White House despite President Obama’s serious misgivings. Several months ago, however, leaked documents revealed that Biden began consulting aides and advisors about the feasibility of such a plan two weeks after the article debuted.

This seeming coincidence was only the beginning. Throughout the past two years, “Onion” articles have been foretelling real events with uncanny precision. For instance, men purchasing sports cars recorded significant growth to their genitalia following a similar “Onion” article published in January of 2014. Examples of “The Onion’s” prophetic power abound: following an “Onion” article, scientists in Sweden discovered the inverse relationship between the length of a Starbucks order and the IQ of the consumer, major film studios have come forth with a resolution not to kill off minority characters first in horror flicks, and a local man has started blaming Millennials for his inability to get up from his own couch.

More recently, Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson has published a book of nursery rhymes for children entitled “God Sees You When You Dream”—the same day “The Onion” suggested its existence.

Despite a growing body of evidence that “The Onion” is channeling some sort of supernatural ability to influence the world with the content of its articles, so far founding prophet Scott Dikkers has disregarded such claims as mere superstition. Asked about it during a recent lecture at Duke University, Dikkers said, “Sure, I took a few courses in tasseography and augury in college, but to say that ‘The Onion’ somehow influences the fabric of reality—now that’s just silly. Reality is absurd enough without our help.”

Only totalitarian governments used to take “The Onion” seriously, but now the entire world is growing wary of Dikkers and his staff of unlikely clairvoyants. Rumors have been circulating that President Obama will hold closed-door meetings with Dikkers and that “The Onion” headquarters has been upgrading the security of its facilities.

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