An unidentified financial expert was seen at Nummit this week giving out free financial advice and advocating a new Blockchain cryptocurrency he had set up. Grace Daniels ‘20, who witnessed the incident, recalls seeing the guru. “He came in and started ranting about how the Dining Dollars system is a huge scam created by shadow student government,” she stated. “He tried to pay for his coffee with gold bullion and when that didn’t work he went on a rant about the federal reserve while staring at the barista’s breasts.”

At this point the man stood on a chair and began- according to a multitude of witnesses- preaching the gospel of CatCoin, a cryptocurrency the self-proclaimed financial wizard created. He was heard to have said, “Oh so the school just gets to decide how much money we can have?” as a breath-taking portrait of Gary Johnson and Ben Shapiro on horseback fell out of his pocket.

“With this Blockchain innovation, we will put control of our fake meal plan currency back in the hands of wannabe Wall Street traders where it belongs. Currently one CatCoin is worth about an eighth of a cent but I predict big gains in the next few weeks as the global economy collapses to the power of cryptocurrency.”

“Wait, is it a currency or a commodity?” asked Daniels, seated in the crowd. The man, boldly ignoring the ignorant question, began to explain how Blockchain works and, clearly not understanding it, still managed to talk for at least 15 minutes. Eventually the messiah left as the awestruck denizens of Nummit reflected on his financial prowess.

When asked if he knew the man’s identity, Nummit regular Sam Ziegler ‘19 said, “Well I see him in here all the time. He comes in, gets a coffee, and spends four hours staring at the price charts of about 25 different cryptocurrencies. Sometimes he leans over and gives me unwarranted and unhelpful financial advice, but I don’t know his name.”

The identity of the man therefore remains unknown. His throng of followers can only wait for him to show himself again and display his transcendent monetary skill.

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