Tenders Manufactures Controversy to Fuel More Talk-Backs Sponsored By Tenders

Following a month-long investigation, The Yowl has discovered evidence of a conspiracy infiltrating the highest levels of the Davidson administration. Tenders, the popular Cornelius fried-chicken restaurant, has worked over the course of several years to incite a litany of controversies and communal debates at Davidson, boosting their sales through school-sponsored talk- backs featuring “free” tenders.

Our primary anonymous source described an operation of breathtaking scope, with dozens of Tenders sleeper cells placed in every incoming Davidson classroom.

“You couldn’t pick them out of a line-up,” the source declared. “They’re your teammates, AT’s, probably your best friends. But they work for us.”

Evidently, these agents pinpoint the most likely points of discordance within the Davidson community, exacerbating these issues through various means until they require a talk-back with free tenders.

“The whole issue of divestment has been our greatest success,” one source asserted with a sinister smile. “Of course, the board of trustees never caves into the demands of the protestors. But my God, have we raked it in from that whole mess.”

When asked what the point of contention would be in 2016, our sources admitted they haven’t decided yet.

“The whole issue of divestment has been our greatest

success. My God, have we raked it in from that mess”

“We’re thinking about creating something everyone can get behind. Some rumor like that they’re using puppies in the foundation for that new academic building because of cost concerns or some bullshit to that effect.”

During the course of the investigation, evidence of corruption within the SGA itself slowly came to light. Laughing as he dismissed the current Zevallos administration as a “puppet regime,” one Tenders source who wished to remain anonymous told us that we would be “hard-pressed to find a single honest soul in the last decade of student government.” According to several sources, current SGA politicians have taken millions in kickbacks this year alone.

“People talk about Tammany Hall like it’s from the distant past. Oh no, the SGA political machine would make Vladimir Putin blush if people knew what it truly was.”

At press time, The Yowl could not confirm how many millions were spent influencing the color choice for balloons at Winterfest.

Note: If anyone takes issue with the contents of this article, or with the Da- vidsonian in general, The Yowl strongly encourages students to hold a talk- back. Call 1-800-TENDERS for catering information.

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