As we approach day ten of dreary New England-like weather, the Sun still appears to show no signs of ending her tantrum.
“This trouble all started with the darn Super Moon”, reports local astronomer and consultant-to-the-stars, Esmerelda Diamond, “There was a huge fuss about it, hashtags and everything. That caused the Sun to feel a bit, well, outshined. Now she’s pouting behind a cumulonimbus cloud until she gets the attention she feels she deserves.”
Attention is what she’s getting, but not the sort she wants.
“After all we’ve done for her, you’d think she’d be a little more grateful,” cried James Peach ‘19. “We’ve harvested her energy for food, captured her light for work, even tolerated her burns! Without us, she’d just be another aged and thankless star.”
Others are more supportive. One campus group, Davidson Dungeons and Dragons, conjectured that the Sun has every right to stay behind the clouds. President Julia Preziosi ‘18 explains:
“The Sun works 12 hour shifts every day! Who are we to say she can’t take a vacation every once in a while? Besides, we’re playing a vampire campaign this month, so the eternal darkness works well for our aesthetic.”
Support is all well and good, but it’s imperative to recognize how dire the situation truly is.
“You’d better give her what she wants–and fast,” recommends Bill Gates, the mayor of Seattle. “Years ago she pulled this same stint with us, demanding that we rename the Seahawks the Sunjocks. We resisted, and look where that got us.”
In order to avoid similar dreary damnation, Davidson’s administration is working as hard as it can to meet the Sun’s outrageous stipulations. But some have proved difficult. Among the more ludicrous of the Suns’ demands, she has requested that we disband all SPF above 30 so she can “love us right”, discontinue sunglasses as to better appreciate her light, and tune all of our televisions to the ‘Gilmore Girls’ marathon so she can “finally see what happened between Rory and Dean.”
“This isn’t coming out of nowhere,” explained the Sun in an exclusive interview via satellite. “It all started with those sultry lamps. Electric light I was okay with. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery! But then you had to start humanizing your bulb-holders. Lamps are tall, curvy, sleek– something I know I’ll never be. Either the b*tches go or I do.”
At press time, vitamin D-deprived students were reportedly writing her sonnets (now called sunnets), and offering her sunflowers as an apology.
“I wanted roses,” was the Sun’s only response.
Thus her jealous rage continues.