Spooky: Maniacal T&I Employees Seen Roaming Campus as Duo Implementation Efforts Grow Extreme

CAMPUS –– At 12:14 AM EST on Tuesday The Yowl sat down with three students who reported what could only be described as a “supernatural encounter” with an automatronic T&I intern. T&I has hired seasonal team members to remind students about the approaching November 18th deadline for Duo Enrollment, as haunting the Outlook inboxes of Davidson students was not enough.

The first student to report suspicious activity was Teddy Cluger ‘22. He explained that he was walking back to his dorm late Sunday night when he heard some rattling noises in the bushes outside of New Dorm. As he cautiously approached the bushes, a figure emerged with black dress pants and a red Davidson College polo.

Before Cluger could do anything else, the apparition jumped out of the bushes with a 15- inch Macbook Pro (silver) with 256 GB of storage. The figure stated, “You MUST enroll in Duo-Enrollment TODAY or we WILL suspend access to JSTOR during the upcoming finals season.” Cluger said the apparition then dissolved back into a USB drive. 

Buffy Baylor ‘21 described a similar experience. “I was coming back from F Friday night. In the middle of the Patterson Court sidewalk, a hooded figure was lingering two feet above the ground. When I tried to walk past him, he said if I didn’t enroll right then and there he would send a spider to crawl into my laptop and delete all of my incomplete assignments.”

Tuesday Atoms ‘20 said her encounter took place after her 8:15 in Chambers. “My class is in Hance Auditorium. I had stayed back to organize my backpack and was the last to leave. As I turned to go into the hallway a woman in a hockey mask jumped out.” Atoms explained that the woman told her if she didn’t enroll within 24 hours, a clown would enter her room late at night, as a distraction from Voldemort using his wand to wipe Atoms’ hard drive clean.

An anonymous source emailed The Yowl explaining that a T&I member followed her to CVS, only to inform the student that everyday without enrolling meant her blood would slowly be poisoned and the only remedy for the pain would be eating the vegetable medley from Commons’ express line.  

Rumors of other experiences have arisen on campus, leading students to wonder when the administration will speak on this issue. Baylor detests how “invasive” and “scary” the tactics of T&I have been in their campaign for Duo Enrollment. “I know the school wants us to be safe from cyber security, but did they ever consider our spiritual safety? I have a friend who was literally possessed by a faculty member. She should be worried about proper citation formats and not proper exorcism rituals,” explained Atoms.

When contacted, the administration replied, “We know what we’re doing.”

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