Photo for “Special Report: Carol Quillen is a Cycle Boss Babe.”

by Hilary Kinton ’24

Saturday, March 11th at 5:45 PM — something marvelous but reeking of sheer gluttony was seen parked outside of the College President’s house: a peloton delivery truck. You heard that right: just like our current president of the United States, Joseph Robinette Biden Jr., our very own college president Carol Quillen (she’s also a historian — have y’all heard her mention that) also wants to spend an hour every day watching incredibly sexy men (or maybe women, I don’t want to assume anything) ride on a bike. I mean, I can’t completely blame her. Have you ever seen a Peloton video? The eight pack, the sweat, those shaven muscular legs in incredibly tight shorts… I honestly don’t know how you can do a workout like that without wanting to lock the door to your dorm for a little “me time.”

Now, I don’t know much about Peloton. They are quite expensive, and my Dad’s stationary bike from the 90s usually works fine. I would love to buy one, but I spend most of my money on what I thought was a good education. However, it appears I have been deceived and my money actually pays for the finer, more adventurous things in CQ’s life. Honestly, I’m okay with it! Homegirl needs a break after… presidenting…all day. I don’t actually know what a college presidency entails — but apparently if you email her you can meet up with her at the Alvarez Student Union to talk about life — so clearly she’s not that busy.

Now, prior to the inauguration of our lovely, old, white haired, ice cream loving, good old Scranton boy, there was large concern over the White House security because of his Peloton. I am a lowly religion major and have no clue how that works. But if it was worth an article in the New York Times, I think it’s worth an article in this trusted news source as well. WILL WE GET HACKERS? We can’t risk outsiders knowing exactly how many students (apparently it’s 200 but no clue how they got that number) went off campus during our ~mental health~ break, or… oh my god. What if the US government hacks in and sees which students are submitting anonymous slanderous submissions to various Davidson Instagram accounts?

These are the pressing issues that I personally believe are worth further investigation, and possibly even an entire zoom panel with Quillen herself, T&I, the albino deer, and Bob, the man who cleans my dorm’s nasty floors every Monday (he has a bigger role at this school than any of the people you can find listed on the school website — I love you Bob. So much). However, to anyone still hung up on the security issue, I have one thing to say: nobody is going to care about your porn. Whatever Carol is watching at 7:00 AM on her morning ride is far nastier. Let’s ride.

The Yowl is the satire section of the Davidsonian, therefore any and all information in these articles should be taken as fiction and not real.