CHAMBERS –– Laughing maniacally as they finalized plans to completely convert Davidson’s main academic building into a multi-level haunted house during Halloween classes, a group of high-level administrators agreed that they were totally going to scare the absolute sh*t out of an unsuspecting student body, according to a source with direct knowledge of the sinister scheme.
“Oh man we’re gonna get them so good,” remarked a giddy Dean McCrae, who according to our confidential source is one of the ringleaders of the operation. “HaHA, muhahahaha, blahHAHAha,” uttered President Quillen, seemingly concurring with McCrae’s analysis of the situation. Chief Sigler reportedly sat quietly in a dimly-lit corner, offering little input but stroking his chin eerily as if to signal his approval for the diabolical plot.
Our confidential informant has provided a complete blueprint of Thursday’s spooky transformation. The first floor is currently slated to serve as a classic zombie-infested maze, with two dozen Charlotte-area Halloween actors contracted to scare students. “Everything is fair game except for physical contact,” the plans noted, “and we need to make sure they really go after the freshmen.”
The Lilly Gallery is set to include 50 clowns. As Dean Schaffer aptly put it during the cabal’s secret meeting, “Everyone hates clowns. They won’t know what hit ‘em.” Students making their way to Thursday classes from the library are advised to seek alternate routes should Schaffer’s assessment apply to them.
For the second floor, the administration has managed to obtain a failed writing assignment from each student’s first year of studies. The papers will be plastered all over the walls and ceiling, and a massive “F” will be drawn in pig blood in the center hallway floor. “If they thought zombies and clowns were bad, I can’t wait to see their faces after that. Nothing scares these kids more than academic failure,” noted one tenured professor who contributed to the plans.
The top floor of Chambers, for those who are even able to make it past the first two levels without physical and emotional scars, is less clear from the blueprints The Yowl has received. The phrase “Chainsaws?” does appear to be scribbled on the third floor section of the outline.
At press time, our source told The Yowl that a coalition of professors have agreed that Thursday’s haunted house “might be going a little too far.” In hopes of cheering up their traumatized students during class and rewarding those brave enough to pass through the hallways, these faculty are planning on handing out king-sized Hershey’s.