By: She’s Really Not That Bitter She Swears ‘23

Photo illustration for “Seven Ways to Celebrate Valentine’s Day, aka Just Another Day of Being Alone on this Cold and Desolate Earth, aka Day 351 of the Pandemic”

Well, folks, it’s that time of year again — when greeting card companies remind you of your piercing solitude and unlovability. While some of the lucky ones in long-term, stable, caring relationships (what does that even look like???) might find their hearts warmed by spoon-feeding each other delicate bites of over-priced chocolate mousse, the rest of us are more acutely aware of the fact that February 14th is almost exactly one month from the onset of the shutdown, which sent us all spiraling into this void of nothingness, dotted with the occasional constellation of pain. Here are a few tips and tricks we’ve devised that might make you feel something for once (like, probably not, but here they are anyway):

  1. Take yourself on a date. Pack a romantic picnic for one and spread yourself out on the grass, nibbling on monciego and crying into your flute of rosé. We promise you that you don’t actually look as pathetic as it feels.
  2. Use one of the many (or maybe it’s just me) coupon codes for Adam and Eve products circulating on social media. Remind yourself that you usually fake it anyway, and the warmth of another human body will never make up for that.
  3. Write a list of compliments to yourself. If you make it to three, you’re doing better than most of us.
  4. Schedule an extra therapy session. Remember, even if no one else cares about you, your therapist cares about you for money, and that’s what really matters. 
  5. Call your parents! They can remind you of all the reasons you are now this f*cked up in the head, but are also obligated to tell you they love you. 
  6. Go on a nice walk. The endorphins will make you feel at least a little bit alive again, and then you can also walk past your ex’s apartment and make sure they are at least having as miserable of a time as you are. 
  7. Drink! Just drink alcohol.