Self-Absorbed Sophomore Exhibits Symptoms of Finals Week Martyr Complex Three Weeks Early

E.H. LITTLE LIBRARY –– On Saturday, April 6th at 4:15 PM, Kelly Lance ‘21 was found by her friends at the first round table on the entry level of E.H. Little Library. When Lance’s friends discovered her, they were too late. Kelly Lance has been officially diagnosed as the first victim of Finals Week Martyr Complex (Level S19).

Maria Cove ‘21, a friend of Lance, shared some of the events that occurred the night before. “She was totally fine the night before. We went out, she was celebrating the completion of a group project and didn’t have a care in the world. But I remember she left early that night. I assumed she had left with her on-again-off-again boyfriend.” But something much worse had happened to Kelly that night. After an extensive investigation, The Yowl found CatCard records revealing that Lance swiped into the library at 12:34 A.M. 

The Yowl reached out to another friend of Lance, Catherine Bryan ‘21. Bryan was able to elaborate on the details of Lance’s condition. “We found her asleep at the table. Along with her body was her MacBook Pro, six different types of highlighters, all four of her binders, and multiple candy rappers.” 

When awoken by friends, Kelly sprung up immediately and exclaimed, “Ohhhh myyyy godddd, you guys would NOT believe the work that I have to do this week, and the weeks after that. I have FOUR finals to take, and two essays to turn in and another group project to complete. I mean can guys believe that? I straight-up must have the hardest schedule at this school!”

Bryan commented to The Yowl “I just stood there in shock. It was the highlighters that gave it away, honestly. Kelly ONLY underlines, usually with the same pen that she’s writing with. She had full-blown Finals Week Martyr Complex (FWMC) and there wasn’t anything we could do to save her.”

“We tried to tell her that everyone on this campus has the same amount of work that she had just listed out. But it did no good. She insisted that no one knew the kind of pressure she was under! Finals isn’t even for another month, like does she know that?,” Cove expressed to The Yowl

The Yowl’s thoughts and prayers go out to the friends of Kelly Lance. If you are concerned about a fellow loved one having an FWMC,  the most common symptom is the use of the phrase “I literally spent over nine hours in the library.” Those suffering from FWMC typically spend 65% of their library time online shopping, so pay special attention to any friend sporting new outfits over the next couple of weeks. 

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