School officials announced on Monday that the college will be investing over thirty million dollars for the cleanup and subsequent renovation of the 2nd Watts men’s bathroom, following a devastating annihilation of the middle stall and left sink in the after hours of Connor Eating House’s annual spring semi-formal. In a Facebook Live address that accompanied the press release, Dean of Students Byron McCrae remarked, “Not since the 2016 presidential debates have I seen our student body so traumatized by a stream of content projected from one man’s mouth. The sheer amount of vomit and range of destruction is truly unprecedented.”
After ignoring residents’ initial calls for cleanups and realizing that the perpetrator of the Great Yak Attack would, in the spirit of Davidson, never take personal responsibility for his own mistakes, school officials made a special request to Physical Plant. Administrators were soon informed, however, that not a single member of the building and grounds staff was willing to “even go near that f*cking sh*thole.”
After no local laborers responded to the college’s advertisement offering minimum wage work to clean up two day-old vomit from a frat douche who doesn’t even live on the f*cking floor, administrators were forced to take drastic measures. An unnamed member of the Board of Trustees with shady business dealings in far corners of the world worked his “contacts” and was able to acquire 500 working men for a cleanup crew in a suspiciously short timeframe. “Davidson College is a community dedicated to access and accountability,” ambiguously replied Ken Murphy ‘83 when asked how he was able to get such a large workforce on site by seemingly snapping his fingers, “No further comment.”
Residents of Belk were thrilled when they heard of the cleanup efforts. “I’m just glad I can sh*t in my favorite stall again,” confessed Emmit Ethanhaft ‘21. “Midterms was really NOT the best time to lose my favorite fecal depository. I am forever indebted to the Murphy Family for this generous gift.”
At press time, a source informed The Yowl that the fraternal young man who defaced the stall was the son of none other than Trustee Murphy. The younger Murphy, whose father happened to make a sizable donation to the college weeks before he applied to Davidson, plans to continue vomiting in bathroom stalls after Connor events for the next two years before taking a job at Goldman Sachs.