Santa Lobbies for Trans-Pacific Partnership To Aid in Annual Transport of Presents

The ever-rising human population is causing problems for nearly every international industry, but one long-standing business tycoon is making clear efforts to combat the issue.

Sources close to officials high up within the ranks of the Trans-Pacific Partner- ship (TPP) have leaked some big news: Santa Claus is coming to town, and he’s brought trade negotiation drafts and a team of lawyers with him. Supposedly, the man in red has been under a lot of holiday stress lately, and insists that a partnership with the largest trade conglomerate of Pacific Rim countries could do wonders to aid in the task of spreading joy to all the good girls and boys.

One reindeer who wished to remain anonymous reported: “As anyone who’s seen the biopic Elf knows, Santa’s sleigh runs on a combo of Christmas spirit and premium diesel fuel.” The red-nosed mammal conceded that, although gas prices

have fallen, so has spirit, thus rendering negotiations with the TPP more necessary than ever.

Under the new proposal, the North Pole would reap the preexisting benefits of the TPP, including reduced tariffs and comprehensive market access. In return, intellectual properties — such as the naughty and nice lists — would become public domain, and Mr. Claus’s traditional surveillance method of watching children as they sleep would be indefinitely suspended. Perhaps the most key mandate included in the provisions concerns the expediated customs procedures.

“On Christmas Eve, we run a tight ship,” explained Lumpy, Deputy Elf of Santa’s Workshop. “But we lose a lot of time in airport security. The TSA insists on checking all of the boxes, which screws us over because not only do we have to rewrap the presents, but also all of the firearms that the 13-to-17 male demographic inevitably put at the top of their gift lists are confiscated. This deal would dramatically decrease international gun control measures, all in the spirit of Christmas.”

Of course, the TPP has its reservations about negotiating with a man who makes a living by cramming himself down civilian chimneys. The proposed sanctions are quite harsh. Minor infractions can result in restricted access to the world’s cookie supply, while nations that commit larger violations would be required to donate coal and other valuable fossil fuels to stockings of naughty countries.

One character has remained surprisingly mum throughout the negotiations process: “I know I’m supposed to support my husband, but to hell with alliegances,” admitted Mrs. Claus. “I miss the days when the only presents we had to worry about were gold, frankincense, and myrrh. And Jesus Christ, if the gimmick is that important to him, I don’t know why he doesn’t just deliver via Amazon Prime. Those guys pull the real Christmas Miracles.”

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