The Yowl is a satirical supplement to The Davidsonian. Hence, nothing in it should be taken as truth.
As if the drag of mid-November were not enough for students this past week, many upright campus citizens had to combat extra hardship.
“It all started right around the time that RLO was trying to drum up student interest in being a resident advisor next year,” Sandra Desmond, ‘23, stated. “I had heard murmurings that there would be a record low student turnout at the interest meeting this week, and, well, I think it started to get to some of the RAs.”
Desmond and other current Belk Hall residents accidentally listened in on what in hindsight was a top secret meltdown of one of their RAs.
“Posters! Did they even see the posters? Who could resist the cutesy Canva design and adorable catchphrase––’R u LOving your(lo) dor(lo)m? Join RLO t(rl)oday!’” RA Sunny Trifle ‘21 reportedly yelled while stress-eating stir-fry off a resident’s confiscated hot plate. Trifle’s frustrations would soon spell doom for the unassuming residents of Belk.
“That night, as I lay in my bed getting ready to go to sleep, the heater suddenly kicked into high gear,” Desmond said, her voice wobbling a bit from the trauma of the memory. “My roommate and I tried to change it, but the temperature wouldn’t budge. We just watched the thermometer climb––75 degrees, then 80, then it skyrocketed to 135. We knew it was a plot against our lives. I have second degree burns.”
This phenomenon was not limited to Belk. Students in all of the first-year dorms were tormented by their heating systems that night. Watts rooms had the AC blasted to arctic conditions, while Cannon was heated even beyond nursing home levels, and still others varied from tundra to rainforest on 6 minute 30 second intervals.
“Our room reached sub-freezing temperatures. All I could do was huddle in the middle of the room in a pile of comforters and clutch my roommate for warmth,” Emily Schmitt, ‘23, said.
Desmond, putting two and two together, knew that this temperature torture was no crazy random happenstance. If there was any doubt left in her mind, the inability for students to get into many dorms when swiping their CatCards was the final clue she needed.
“RLO was trying to punish us,” Desmond said confidently. “A few members with access to building functions went rogue and abused their immense power in order to spite us for not being more interested in RAship.”
After RLO was exposed, room temperatures returned to normal. However, the campus was noticeably changed. Nearly the entire first-year class attended the student interest meeting for being an RA.
“RLO really won me over this past week,” Skip Tilly, ‘23, said. “I think I’m ready for the, uh, responsibilities.”