All first-years know they have to take the Myers-Briggs test to pair them with their optimal freshman roommate. Often considered the E-Harmony of friendship finding, the standard questions asked revolve around sleeping habits, music tastes, and cleanliness. However, there has recently been a drop in the rate of freshmen choosing to live with their first-year roommate. Thus RLO has decided to add what it believes to be a crucial question. The new addition prompts students to write a short paragraph about the type of person they envision their best man or maid-of-honor at their future wedding to be.
“We added this question anticipating that freshman will get drunk and have deep conversations, in which they make egregious promises that they will stand by one another when they are getting married,” explained RLO test coordinator Jeannette Maines. “They then go on with their lives, and when they become engaged, in the back of their minds they think, ‘Well shit, gotta call up the old roomie to be in the wedding. Awkward, I haven’t talked to them in eight years.”
The RLO office aims to diminish that uncomfortable gap by pairing roommates who are already hand to suit each other’s wedding ceremonies. They decided to pitch the idea to prospective financers using this case study as an example of the type of situation that could be avoided if the proposed question were implemented:
Roommate 1 begins preparing a Cup-of-Noodles as a treat for getting through the week. Then Roommate 2 suddenly bursts through the door, and Roommate 1 realizes what she is in for. “I’m at F and I swear when T. Swift says, ‘I’ve got a blank space baby, and I’ll write your name,’” slurs Roommate 2, “I just want to know who will be in my blank space.” Roommate 1 acts like she is listening intently, but she truly has her mind set on their noodles unfurling, seeping into the sodium water broth. She decides to give Roommate 2 a little white lie: “You know your dream guy is down there, Sperrys and all!”
Roommate 2 looks up, pupils still dilated from Natty-lite. “I just don’t think I will ever be the one walking down the aisle,” she whispers.
Surprised at the sudden emotionally morbid vibe in the room, Roommate 1 tells her friend-by-convenience: “You will walk down that aisle, and I will be the one to witness it.” She then plugs in her headphones and presses “continue watching.” Gilmore Girls awaits.
RLO urged the administration that we as a campus cannot afford to have such awkward roommate encounters, as they are loosely tied to a loss of alumni donations. The administration quickly agreed and took it right up to the top to the Board of Trustees. The esteemed Trustees approved of this addition under the condition that the new question be named for one of them in honor of their generosity.
So, prospective students, get ready to answer The Chidsey Question, designed to foster emotional support and a secure, immalleable future best friend.