Hail Mary Beth Full of Grace ‘23

Photo illustration for “Residents of Armfield Residence Hall Ascend to High Society Amidst Partying Hiatus”

Now that it’s spooky season, people are itching now more than ever to throw on their laziest costume and make the great migration down the hill to feel the unrivaled sense of camaraderie from doing the “Mr. Brightside” countdown in the SPE house with 50 other people. However, the residents of the first floor at F may have moved on from such frivolous activities.

Gone are the days of dilapidated KSig couches, bathrooms void of toilet paper, and peeing in the showers when the bathroom was occupied (a privilege now reserved solely for residents). Instead, a modest rug covers the usual dance floor, and the smell of urine has been eradicated (mostly) from the couches. Hand soap has replaced wounded soldiers on bathroom counters. An obtained work order from Davidson Physical Plant by The Yowl indicates a casual use of air freshener. Elevated surfaces have been replaced by… elevated consciousness?

The current furnishing and home-keeping habits of first-floor residents posits a curious question: are frat boys really as gross as their reputation suggests? Or is it all slander to omit ourselves from our own grotesque behaviors within this party milieu? An interesting social experiment is naturally occurring, and, word has it, the Sociology Department is on the case.

The stereotype of the uncouth frat boy predates this institution (probably). You’ve most likely subconsciously built him in your mind: he uses 2-in-1 shampoo/conditioner (it’s undoubtedly in a grey bottle, because you know, masculinity), then uses that same 2-in-1 with a can of Keystone (hey, don’t hate on it, it’s cheap!) to wash his three grey t-shirts, Fruit of the Loom briefs, and Nike Elite socks he refuses to throw away from middle school. He also only knows how to make eggs one way, usually fried.

But is this all blasphemy? Is the party-less frat boy really just an average dude with two things in his shower caddy and one lifeless pillow? Does he really actually use face wash AND a moisturizer afterward? He may not have a hand towel in the bathroom, but hey, he’s being eco-friendly. Perhaps we have been blinded by our own rigid stereotypes and besmirched them unfairly. Among other things, maybe the campus-wide hiatus from F can reveal invaluable insights into the unobserved behavior of America’s most emblematic archetype, from an out-group to an in-group. We are certainly all in for some surprises.