Police announced today that they are continuing the search for Davidson College student Brianna Liberty’s self esteem. The first year student’s self esteem was reported stolen following her poor performance on an economics final.
“I was fine up until I got to Davidson. I was completely sure of myself and my future,” said Liberty, who self-identifies as the “smart person” from her high school. “But when I started classes my self esteem began acting up. Sure, I got a C on an assignment here and there, but I was confident that I would bring my grade up next time. It was a minor problem until I got the grade for my economics test back, and then it was just gone! Please, if anyone’s seen my self esteem, bring it back to me.”
That test brought Liberty’s final grade in her economics class down to a C. Liberty, who had gotten straight A’s all throughout her life without any effort whatsoever, was devastated. We reached out to every peer, family member, and teacher Liberty ever had and each one assured us that she was the smartest person they knew. They also added that Liberty was constantly reminded of her exceptional qualities day in and day out.
Forensic psychologist Daniel Hoover tried to shed some light on what might have occurred. “I hate to say it, but I’ve seen this before,” he said in a statement released on Friday, “Liberty is having an existential crisis resulting from the realization that she won’t always be the smartest person around, and that her entire being can’t be defined by high intelligence. The self esteem often can’t handle a shock of this magnitude, and so it disappears. My guess is that it’s hiding in Charlotte somewhere.”
The police department issued a statement warning the public of the continuing danger of freshmen losing their self esteem. “By far the biggest problem to plague Davidson College’s campus is the disappearance of students’ self esteem. Every year we get dozens of reports from students who come to us realizing that they’re not as smart as they thought they were. We urge every first-year to stay inside and study at night in order to deter the loss of their confidence in themselves. Alternatively, studies have shown that heavy drinking can coax the self esteem into a more docile state, so that can be another option.”