Davidson students have awoken to encrusted eyelashes and eyelids these past few days as a new round of the pink-eye epidemic has ravaged this campus, once again. An anonymous source, spotted crawling into the health center begging for eye drops, commented “ I thought pink-eye was a preschool thing, maybe elementary school, but college??? I just don’t understand how this stuff spreads so fast around this campus. What is everyone doing????” 

One sophomore, still drunk from partying the night before, ran to the Minute Clinic early Saturday morning after waking up with her eyes crusted over, only to see in a storefront window that she had simply forgotten to take off her makeup before going to sleep. However, most students have not had such miraculous false alarms. 

Many of our visually impaired students have had to resort to wearing their obnoxiously thick glasses that fog up whenever they go outside, as they are unable to put their contacts in for fear of cornea detachment. Other students who are less visually impaired have experienced blurred vision (see below for other symptoms) due to the disease and have started bumping into any obstacle near any pathway. Many students have been found wandering inside the new stick statue outside of the library, lost and unable to make their way out, due to their visual impairments. 

Now that most of the student body has been infected with this crusty-eyed phenomenon, we at The Yowl wish to draw attention to symptoms that may show you contracted this plague. 

Blurred vision: No need to check your prescription, your optometrist has kept you up to date, it might just be this pink eye precluding your vision. 

Burning Eyes: It’s not your contact flipped inside out! And it’s not that pepper spray you accidentally deployed in your bag! 

Redness of the white of the eye: Though this is a common symptom of reefer use, check your substances – you might be smoking something different, if you catch my drift. 

More tears than usual: I know we’re all beaten down, but have you been crying a lot more recently? It might not be your recent deep diving therapy sessions, but instead this rose ocular disease. 

If you exhibit any of these symptoms, please for the love of god get away from all of us. Stay in your room. Lock your door. Don’t even talk to your roommate. Keep your eyes closed and just sleep until this preschool illness leaves our campus. Our hearts go out to those infected with this, the dumbest infection ever, especially those with double pink-eye — you the real ones. And whoever Patient Zero is, just know all of us are coming for you, whoever you are.