BELK –– In an unprecedented feat that has sent shockwaves around Davidson’s campus and the worldwide Christian community, Hannah Anderson ‘22 miraculously managed to convince Jesus Christ, son of God and son of man, to schedule his long-awaited Second Coming as a delivery to Belk 237, the home of Eleanor Walsh ‘23, Anderson’s little in Rusk House, on Tuesday afternoon. 

When asked just how she was able to get Christ, known widely for such acts as walking on water, healing lepers, and making tunics fashionable again, Anderson described a daily prayer regimen that ultimately led to a formal agreement with the omnipotent deity. “He took some convincing, but after I explained how much it would mean to Eleanor, the guy caved. I knew he couldn’t resist an altruistic act like this,” noted Anderson. 

Walsh and her hallmates were stunned when Christ appeared on 2nd Belk. Said one first year who watched the lord and savior’s delivery through her door’s peephole, “All I got was some SPE pledges in Hawaiian shirts carrying a boombox. I mean Jesus Christ! Seriously?! That’s even better than the basketball team!” 

On his way out Walsh’s door, Christ reportedly turned back around, gestured toward the awestruck first year’s new purple Chug Jug, and with a slight grin on his divine face whispered, “Save it for Frolics.” Perplexed as to what exactly the almighty deity had meant, Walsh immediately took a sip from her glitter-glued bottle as soon as Christ shut the door. A stunned Walsh turned to her roommate and exclaimed, “Oh my God! I mean, um, oh my gosh. Pinot Grigio!”

Christ quickly returned to the heavens after being chased down the Belk stairwell by Resident Advisor Katrina Narc ‘21 for providing alcohol to a minor.

When asked about the divine intervention, Religious Studies Professor James Shepherd expressed bewilderment, saying, “I never thought He would come back for something as trivial as this. I mean, no offense to the little, but you would’ve thought He might’ve done something more grand than just deliver a basket full of re-gifted shirts and a Chug Jug. Also thought he might have, you know, reappeared in Israel first, but whatever.” A disgruntled Shepherd stormed off, muttering that he “just wish the department could’ve booked Him to speak or something.”