By James Taylor ‘21 (he/him/his)

Illustration by Richard Farrell ’22

Pen Pineapple Apple Plug¹

Hark! The cry goes ‘round, “James comes! And he comes bearing gifts of knowledge!” The gift I slip under your tree this week is this review. With the 59th consecutive such work² for our esteemed publication, I clip-clop in on my steed, with a yearning to share the latest and greatest. This installment was inspired by my friend Hugh M., who, during our nightly game of the eternal classic Twister, which for some reason is only ever played between Hugh and me, brought up this fantastic product: the Pineapple Delight Plug.³ The masters at Crystal Delight have done it yet again! They have released an aesthetically pleasing crystal masterpiece, whose uses know no bounds. But you may ask, “Eric, what can this deliciously named product do for me?” Well, hold the horses, hold the phone, and hold on to that Davidson College Directory, because you got my name wrong. Again.

But nevertheless, we digress. This pineapple effigy inserts itself with ease into the comforts of the new home: relish in your aesthetic prowess as your guests slide their coats over a ridged surface that holds their garments fast. No more must you worry about coats falling off their hooks, descending to the floor, and ruining your annual Christmas celebration because your aunt trips on a coat. The Pineapple Delight Plug is aunt-approved, aunt-safe, and all those other things that aunts care about. Their refractive surface will bump up your next disco party to the next level. Reclaim your identity as the person who throws marvelous parties, and as the person who has the most memorable coat hooks on campus––two of the main criteria that get you invited to apply through the Davidson Portal for Rhodes Scholarships.⁴

The efficacy in the home doesn’t stop there. Consider this situation. You’ve just received your bi-annual shipment of old grape juice from Herman Story Wines. Wide-eyed, bushy-tailed, and fuzzy-nosed, you uncork a bottle with high hopes of slurping the stuff with supper. But alas! You have not managed to finish the bottle, and it must be relegated to the fridge. But how are you to store your wine? Do you want to face the 10-minute battle between your slippery hands and a chilled cork the next time you yearn to taste that wonderful pure grenache? Enter the Pineapple Delight Plug, and as you affix the flat end to a cork, your troubles disappear. No more dropped bottles, no more broken corks, and no more cries of deep anguish; only sighs of pleasure as you grip the plug in your hand, inserting it and pulling it out with ease. 

“But Hugh! What if I don’t take part in such debauchery as alcohol, festivities, and aunts?” To you I shall also decant some further purposes of this gift from God. But first, my name wrong again? Are you not paying attention? Well, now that we hopefully have that cleared up, I have the perfect solution for those seeking rest and relaxation from the pineapple pal. Upon replacing my usual bed of nails with 100 of these plugs, I slipped into a state of nirvana as I clambered upon my aforementioned bed. I made sure to use some oil on myself (preferably natural, like coconut oil⁵6) to make sure I could get off more easily. What put me into a state of further ease was the complete lack of tetanus exposure, a threat my former nail bed had posed. 

However, it is understandable that none of these uses may appeal to your sensibilities. You may be one of the many people who find themselves at home during Christmas, alone, as your parents have left you behind as they head for their annual swinging get-together with all of their friends in the Poconos. If anyone can tell me how people that old still fit into swings, please do. Well, if like me, you’ve found yourself increasingly paranoid during these spells, amplified by your viewing of the recent Lindbergh documentary, then the Pineapple Delight Plug fills that hole. Secure yourself in the house by lining the floor with these fruity crystals, in a Home-Alone-esque fashion to keep yourself safe from anyone who may try to approach your abode.

With that, I am tired. The cry⁶ that went around echoes weaker and weaker, and I must retire. You may ask for more recommendations, or you may not be convinced that this is the right product for you, but I can give no more. I am all spent, no if’s, and’s, or but’s.

James Taylor ‘21 (him/his/he) is a German major⁷ and minor inconvenience from a place that he cannot currently recall. He can be reached for comment at jjtaylor@davidson.edu

Footnotes:

  1. Alternative captions: Fruit and Flesh: A Dream Brought to Fruition, The Forbidden Fruit: A Davidsonian Dive into Crystalware, Piña Colones, or On Derivations Stemming from Fruitkunst: A General Analysis on the Efficacy of a Pineapple Graven Image in Modern Society
  2.  Review
  3.  If you want to reach out to Hugh for more of his wisdom, he can be reached at humungus@davidson.edu
  4.  But perhaps it might be more sanitary to save the partying and the plug for a later semester.
  5.  Read my 17th review from 2016 to learn more about the wonders of coconut oil.
  6.  Hark!
  7.  Not that kind.