Math Major, Geometry Addict Seen Printing Pictures of “Cubes” By Horrified Tour Group

Monday morning, a math major who will remain anonymous was seen printing out pictures of various lewd images of cubes to the horror of a passing tour group of prospective students.

“At first I couldn’t be sure what he was looking at, but sure enough, there was this cring-y little ginger dude was salivating over explicit pictures of cubes on one of the union’s computers. Big cubes, small cubes, cubes where one was a little bigger than the other, pillowy cubes, pert cubes, mature cubes, cubes with stretch marks–every kind of cube searchable under the sun, he had them queued up for print,” claimed prospective student and high school Junior Chester Boobinson ‘23.

Administrators and ITS immediately began an investigation of the internet searches on Union computers and easily found evidence corroborating the tour group’s claim that this lil’ creeper was using Davidson Secure to accrue an inordinate number of x-rated images of cubes.

Dick Johnson, head of ITS, claimed the evidence was overwhelmingly damning.

“Our investigation found that the computer the ginger man frequents showed roughly 158,000 searches for ‘big, bare cubes’ on xxxgeometryhub.com. I’d always wondered why that key-board was so sticky” claimed Johnson while sanitizing his hands.

Davis Cafe worker Tittiana Mammary claimed she has been monitoring his suspicious behavior over the past few months.

“I’m not surprised that he was searching for pictures of cubes. I began to become very suspicious when all of our napkins went missing. Then just two weeks ago I saw him cart in a bottle of “Jergen’s Anti-Chafing Lotion.” Disgusting,” remarked Mammary.

“This isn’t the first time I’ve seen someone use the computers for a little clandestine geometry searching. Rhombuses, cylinders, spheres– you name it and it has been searched in these hallowed halls,” Mammary continued, milky tears leaking from her eyes.

When asked for comment on these accusations the man was dismissive, claiming his images of cubes were “for research,” as he stuffed a copy of “PlayCube: Today’s Hottest Edges and Verticles” under his arm.

At press time, the ginger in question was seen hunched over a computer in the Davidson Public Library, reportedly having changed his search subjects from cubes to boxes.

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