Local Unwashed Swell Water Bottle Named New Capital of Microbial Empire

DAVIDSON – Originally thought to be little more than a colony comprised of a few errant microscopic organisms, the newly established capital of the Microbial Empire is flourishing in a local unwashed Swell water bottle. The bottle’s owner, at first planning to just “rinse it out till it doesn’t look like a petri dish anymore,” is now considering a more severe course of cleansing in order to return the bottle to its intended function.

In an exclusive interview with The Yowl, leaders of the Microbe Empire responded to these threats, declaring that “any attempt to wash away our great people will be seen as an act of genocide and leave us with no further course of action outside of total war.” This would not be the first time the microbial community has taken action against the college; the leader reminded us of the Great Freshman Plague of 2018 and the 2017 Flu Season as the most recent examples of the power these microscopic marauders wield.

Though satellite images show bacterial and viral troop movements on the border, Davidson College Security Forces could not be reached for comment at this time. The Yowl has, however, received unconfirmed reports of Physical Plant Black Ops teams armed with bleach paradropping deep into the neutral zone.

The Political Science and Biology departments have brought up the possibility of offering a joint “History of Microbe-Human Relations Seminar” as an attempt to both defuse hostilities and to lay groundwork for the improvement of future on-campus relations between these historic enemies.

It is unclear at this time whether or not actions taken to clean the water bottle would be considered a violation of the Honor Code, as there are no precedents set for dealing with non-human societies on campus. Under these unusual circumstances, the Philosophy department has already planned a guest lecture series focused on redefining the concept of humanity. Professors were reportedly giddy over the fresh angle these newly encountered intelligent strains of Microbes bring to the debate over what constitutes humanity.

A joint RLO-UN task force has called for the immediate deployment of UN peacekeepers supplemented by RLO staff members. Said a group spokesperson, “We just want to facilitate productive and meaningful discussion to ensure lasting stability on campus.” With the Freshman Plague and Flu season now behind us, these talks give hope to the possibility of a continuing peace.

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