Local Mobile Excited to Become Rust Statue Once Everyone Uses Up Their 20 Free Rides

Several sources recently informed The Yowl that Moe Bike, or as his Beijing area manufacturer refers to him, ‘Unit #361338’, is exhausted from the past week’s workload and “honestly f*cking stoked” to transition into the coveted, rusty state of bicycle retirement once Davidson students run out of the free rides offered by campus’ new bike-sharing network.

The Yowl’s field correspondent Sarah S. Smith ‘19 sat down with Bike to discuss the struggles of bicycle life and his dreams of the elusive rusty paradise.

“I ain’t kiddin’ around, this week has been quite the nonstop sh*tshow,” commented Bike when asked about the high frequency of rides as hordes of students continue to take advantage of Mobike’s free month. “Just when ya think you’re gonna get a few minutes to rest after Tina drops you off outside of Nummit to go talk about spaces, ‘ol Big Mike from the football team hops on ten seconds later and BAM! you’re stuck with a sweaty 295 pounder fartin’ up a storm all the way up the hill,” he elaborated.

As Bike mentioned, a surprising amount of Davidson students are utilizing the new means of transportation, which was introduced to campus by a group of dedicated students tired of having their personal bicycle ‘borrowed’ by honor-bound peers. He is confident, however, that this trend will cease once the month of free rides runs out.

“We Bikes have seen this happen time and time again. My uncle Marty had it happen down at Georgia, my Aunt Matilda at Chapel Hill, the list goes on. Once these free riders use ‘em all up I’ll be able to lean back, settle down, and let that sweet iron oxide spread all over me baby!”

When asked if he might get lonely once ridership declines as students are forced to pay, Bike responded emphatically, “F*ck no! The hell do you think this is? Some ‘Island of Misfit Toys’ type shit? I’ve been looking forward to rusty retirement since I was a tricycle!”

At press time, several awestruck sources reported seeing a riderless bicycle heading deep into the cross-country trails. We can only assume that this was none other but our dear friend Bike, may he rust in peace.

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