Local Dog Has Had Enough of Your Emotional Codependency, Report Shows

All around campus Davidson’s dogs, pupperinos, wuff-wuffs, tail-chasers, and bone-buddies alike are beloved creatures, offering a respite for the stressed student body. Yet the age old question- “do these furry friends love us back?”- has remained unanswered due to the limitations of modern science. However, thanks to a recent groundbreaking study conducted by canine linguistic specialist Maeser Cilan, we may finally have the answer.

Cilan’s 2018 study of Davidson’s local dogs reported that they are, in fact, really f*cking tired of our co-dependency bullshit.

“After spending five years monitoring the moods, vocal tones, and various behavioral indicators of local retriever-labrador mixes and other local breeds, I came to the conclusion that the dogs of Davidson think the students here are a bunch of self-absorbed, neurotic as*holes,” claimed Cilan.

“Specific transcriptions of my research indicate that the dogs of Davidson do not love their students at all, but rather exhibit an internalized and prolonged resentment towards them. In short, they find the students and their bevy of issues relating to feelings of inadequacy and emotional intimacy to be severely annoying, disturbing, and at times, downright depressing,” Cilan continued.

Cilan provided The Yowl with an excerpt of one particularlly telling confessional given by a Labrador retriever named Maxine.

“If one more overexcited girl comes screaming “doggieeee” at me with tears in her eyes and that terrifying look of emotional desperation that they all have, I’m going to bite her in the butt. I swear to Dog-God. I’ll do it. I’ll ruin a b*tch. They think I’m here to be some kind of living pillow for them to rest their stress and insecurities on. I’m a living, breathing animal dog-damn-it and I deserve to be treated like more than an inanimate stuffed animal. One girl pet me so hard I had bald patches in my fur. F*ck you by the way Katie. I’m just trying to survive dealing with the horrid, blonde, yuppie woman who drags me around this place, and on top of that I still have to play the walking, barking therapist for 1,000 plus emotionally disturbed millennial headcases…” Maxine’s report continued on for 23 more minutes (105 in dog years), according to Cilan.

Though Cilan’s report is undoubtedly revolutionary, it has yet to encapsulate how on-campus cats feel in relation to their human onlookers. “I imagine the loathing is at least 1000% times more evident, but we don’t yet have the data to support this,” Cilan said in closing.

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