by Montana Boy ‘23

Dear Yowl,

I have grown increasingly concerned over the last couple months that no one is paying attention to a certain PHENOMENON on campus. 

The Yowl, a section in the Davidson student newspaper, The Davidsonian, is unacceptably flippant about certain…issues. 

I have been shitting my pants like a maniac at least once a week for the past, oh I don’t know, 18.5 years of my 19.7-year-long life. And despite all of that, the Davidsonian makes jokes once a week that is CLEARLY targeted at people with gastrointestinal issues. I guess it just rubs me the wrong way.

I don’t mean to make a baseless set of accusations, so I will provide a couple of examples. The other week, there was an article about a student who literally has sex. Now I don’t mean to sound like I didn’t laugh, because the notion of someone having sex is truly hilarious to me. However, I was mortified that a newspaper would do something so rude. I try to have sex with my girlfriend of four years constantly. The problem is, every time we try I blow shit out of my ass and it ruins the moment. 

Another example! there was a recent article that was written in regard to going to zoom classes. This was hurtful and wrong! I can’t attend Zoom classes because I don’t bring my computer in the bathroom after a certain incident that I won’t get into with you all today. It’s not that I absolutely shit myself incredibly hard every time I have class, but I can’t take that chance. Ever. Therefore, the yowl shouldn’t be allowed to willy nilly print an issue about a student who can, just, go to class. 

I won’t raise a concern without also providing a solution, or in this case, a “Four Steps to Success for The Yowl”. 

Step one: Start a GoFundMe. Two, in fact. The first one, for a doctor to check out my ass and find out why I shit myself so horribly once a week or so. The second one, for my personal funds (hoping to buy a Maserati soon! (with a built-in the toilet in the driver’s seat)

Step two: Apply to the MakeAWish foundation. I have tried over and over again to spend a day hanging out with my personal idol, the female car from the famous movie “Cars,” and don’t ask why that’s who I want to see because I don’t have to answer that. I have been told repeatedly that MakeAWish “is really geared toward terminally ill children and not losers who don’t have a real disease but just can’t control their bowels, also aren’t you like 20.” I think a second opinion would really help my case.

Step three: Let me write some of your articles. I have been rejected repeatedly for The Yowl on the basis that “this idea is frankly sexist and doesn’t employ any kind of satire.” This is honestly unhelpful and untrue. Publishing my article Why it isn’t that bad to yell slurs would be a start. 

Step four: Once a week, host a party for me so everyone can learn that I’m not so bad and I’m tired of being treated like Frankenstein’s monster after he killed the woman and that there isn’t even really an analogous action that I did so like why are people so freaked out by me. At the party, there should be 1. A case of Miller High Life, the champagne of beers 2. Girls and Vodka (perfect combo) 3. One or two of my professors.

Signed,

A concerned reader